-Once the Craziness of Life Settles Back Down, Do We Know How to Settle Back In with Each Other?

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN FOR THOSE WHO FEEL DISCONNECTED AFTER TRYING TIMES.

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

Reference: “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” by John Gottman, Julie Gottman, and Joan DeClaire. 2006. Crown Publishers

One of the main circumstances I see with couples when they come to see me for relationship counseling is they no longer feel close to each other. While this shouldn’t come as a surprise to those reading this article, there are actually dozens of reasons why lovers fall out of closeness. The one I am discussing in this article is when there has been a crisis or a difficult external circumstance the couple has dealt with, but now that the crisis is over they can’t seem to settle back in to each other. I am referring to a crisis that does not deal specifically with their relationship, for example: sickness of a child, death of a close loved-one, or unexpected financial hardship due to no-one’s fault.

Any of these surprising, crisis situations is enough to throw off the balance or rhythm of a couple or family system. For many couples, they can learn to deal with these dire circumstances well! They function as perfect teammates and strategize and plan well. Rather than fighting or arguing, they put all their mental energy into addressing the problem and learning to live under the new situation. For this example, lets assume they made it through the crisis well and life has settled back down. There is physically time for things like date nights, vacations, and sitting on the back porch watching sunsets. The problem is that even though there is now time for those things, neither partner is putting in the effort to make them happen. Without knowing it, both have been on cruise control for months, even years now, and there is no longer a “crisis” to blame for their lack of connection. Conversely, they may be able to feel that longing more than they have in years.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE INTIMACY?

Although this hypothetical couple may have dealt with the tragedies of life in magnificent fashion, they may have been operating more like professional business partners rather than lovers. Once things have settled down, there may be some natural awkwardness to their relationship. Rather than being so drained and exhausted at the end of the day, there may be some remaining energy for each other! However, it’s been so long since either have initiated a vulnerable conversation or offered a soft touch that neither may know “how” to do it. Most likely each have been changed through the trying time. Even if changed for the better, they are now different people, and need time to feel each other out again.

WHAT DO WE DO FIRST? 

The first step in settling back in to each other is to acknowledge what has happened! You both need to recognize how far you’ve each come, how much you’ve overcome, and what amazing people and couple you are! Sometimes, compliments and praise are the most vulnerable things we can offer. You guys came out the other side better and more resilient than you ever thought possible, but this needs to be verbally expressed.

Secondly, you need to start making your relationship a priority. This means setting up dates and sticking to them, no matter what. You may have both become great at being flexible in order to address the crisis in your life. But, now that the crisis is over, you need to have more rigidity about the importance of your relationship!

REACHING OUT TO NASHVILLE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING        

If this scenario sounds familiar to you, then relationship counseling in Nashville, TN may be beneficial to you both. A relationship therapist can help each of you articulate how important you are to each other both through this trying time and what you need for the future. Just acknowledging the craziness of the past can give each of you a reassuring reminder of how great you are together! If you are considering relationship counseling in Nashville, TN, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call to discuss more of what you are needing or thinking. Chris would be happy to talk with you more about these areas and others in your life.