– One Spouse Will Always Want Connection More Than the Other

Last Updated on September 25, 2019 by Chris Roberts

HOW MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN CAN HELP COUPLES UNDERSTAND DIFFERING LEVELS OF CONNECTION

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN as emotional education.  In almost every marriage, there will be one spouse who desires connection with their spouse more than the other.  This is a fact as straightforward as the sky is blue.  However, most marriage partners are not aware of this.  In fact, we are usually taught that differing levels of desire for connection is bad or unhealthy.  We all want parity in life as much as we all long for a life that is fair and even.  In this very minute, if you are married, or have been in a long-term relationship, stop and check in with yourself.  Do you know immediately who longs for connection the most in your marriage?  Is it you, or is it your spouse?  Further, take a few moments to stop and consider your judgments around this topic.  If you feel like you are more of the pursuer, what do you make up about yourself, what do you make up about your partner?  If you are the one who pursues less than yourself, what do you make up about yourself, and what do you make up about your partner?  There are usually very deep-seated beliefs and feelings about this topic.  Are you aware of yours?

Marriage therapy in Nashville is a great place to unpack these thoughts and underlying biases.  The first question is simply this: What if it is perfectly normal for one spouse to pursue and want connection more than the other?  Is it possible for you to even consider that this statement is true?  Further, if it is true, does that make you feel more hopeful, or hopeless?  I would argue that it makes most people feel more HOPELESS.  We will get into the “why” in a moment.

Dr. John Gottman, in an amazing book entitled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” addresses this disparity.  He writes, “As beneficial as turning towards each other can be, it can feel hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite.  Often, couples turn away from each other not out of malice, but out of mindlessness.  They get distracted and distracted and start taking each other for granted.  Realizing the importance of the little moments and paying more attention to them is enough to solve the problem in the many cases.   But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other.  For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict.  But I have found that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn’t connect enough, often the case is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence.” (p.  92)  Dr. Gottman has done the most extensive research on marriages ever assembled.  He has example after example of these tendencies recorded in volumes and volumes of data collected over some 30 years.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

It means that there are certain principles of marriages that exist not because there is something wrong with the system, but is simply due to a product of being human.  There are certain principles, that if we are unaware of or unwilling to accept, we can bang our heads against a wall for decades and never get anywhere.  All the while we are banging our heads against the wall in an effort to change things, the only thing that needs to be changed is our own personal expectations.  And all the while we are banging our heads against a well, we are building up frustrations and bitterness and resentment towards our spouse.  It is a very, very serious thing.

HOW CAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN HELP?

Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN can be extrememly helpful in this area, because a neutral, qualified professional can describe how this area of discontent and frustration is not because either spouse is doing something wrong.  If each spouse is willing to consider that neither spouse is doing something wrong, then both partners can get on with talking about and dealing with how this disparity in desire for connection affects their heart and soul.  It is similar to working with a client who has an alcoholic parent.  The client will ALWAYS want their parent to have been more attentive, and affectionate, and calm, and caring.  The longing for this type of parent will never go away.  But, the level to which this client can begin to accept that this parent may never change, will help them to start to deal with the harm and hurt of years of neglect and abuse has caused them.  The old adage is true: We cannot change anyone but ourselves.  Accepting that we have an alcoholic parent has nothing to do with being okay them or their alcoholism. One can always strive to get them into an inpatient addiction care but until they are not ready to help themselves accepting the fact that they have an addiction problem, getting cured is out of reach.

Marriage counseling can help couples get off the merry-go-round of endless arguing that will most certainly occur around this principle of disparity in desire.  One spouse can’t make the other spouse WANT to be with them more.  In fact, usually the opposite is true.  As each spouse begins to accept and work with their differing levels of desire for each other, they usually find a connection in their understanding and renewed efforts at creating a happy and abundant marriage.

FINDING MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville, Tennessee, then you have made a good start by reading this article.  Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to assist you in connecting with the right therapist to meet you needs, whether it be with him or someone else in the Nashville area.  Please feel free to contact him at the link above.