– Part 2 of Rebuilding Trust After an Affair Through Couples Therapy in Nashville

Last Updated on September 10, 2015 by Chris Roberts

COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN FOR REBUILDING TRUST: PART 2

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

In a previous article concerning couples therapy in Nashville, TN we talked about the first step in rebuilding trust after an affair: choosing to be loving, even if the feelings haven’t caught up yet. The second step is being willing to confront your own, internal resistance to change. We must first do the hard work of becoming aware of our resistance to change our actions. Dr. Abrams Spring writes,

“As much as you may like the idea of using the trust-building exercises, I guarantee that you’ll resist carrying some of them out. It’s not that you are a bad person or that you don’t want the relationship to improve, but that your deeply wired assumptions are likely to get in the way. Some of them may stop you from communicating your needs, others may stop you from satisfying your partner’s needs. Still others may force you to discount whatever it is your partner tries to do for you.” (p. 171)

BECOMING AWARE AND CHANGING

In the previous article, we talked about concrete actions that must be undertaken in order to give your relationship any chance of moving forward. In this article, we will address some core issues that each of us face when attempting to make changes for another person. In all of life, we need to be playing in both facets: concrete actions and internal awareness. If all we do is make behavior changes, we won’t ever really transform the person that we are. If all we do is process and think and feel, then we won’t make real changes in the tangible world. Both need to be occurring—always.

Dr. Abrams Spring outlines a list of 9 areas where we might stop ourselves from changing or accepting change from our partner.

1. I don’t have the right to ask for my partner to change for me
2. If I say what I need, I’ll just hurt or anger my partner, and create more conflict. It’s better to keep my dissatisfaction to my myself.
3. My partner should intuit what I need. I shouldn’t have to spell it out.
4. I can’t ask for love. If I have to , I don’t want it. (or, it’s not real)
5. If my partner does what I ask, not spontaneously but only out of a conscious desire to win my trust, it doesn’t count.
6. My partner is responding to my requests only to deceive me and get me back. As soon as I start trusting again, we’ll be back where we started.
7. I shouldn’t have to acknowledge my partner’s trust building behaviors.
8. My partner hurt me/let me down and should change first
9. I can’t and shouldn’t act in trust building ways when I’m so angry.”(p. 172)

LOOKING INWARD TO CHANGE OUTWARD

Part of what makes these conscious actions different than “going through the motions” of your part, is that hopefully each of you are becoming more aware of who you are and how you operate in life and in the relationship. The more each of you are willing to acknowledge and address your resistance to change, the more fruitful conversations you will have together, which will ultimately lead to more intimacy and connection. Intimacy is the antidote to boredom. Couples therapy in Nashville can help each of you identify your resistance and bring it in the light so that it can become a helpful conversation between the two of you.

WORKING TO CHANGE THROUGH COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

If you are going through the aftermath of infedility and want some help processing how to change, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to be of assistance. Chris has experience working with couples who have been wrecked by the carnage of affairs. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or by email at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net. Chris will do his best to get you in as soon as possible in order to get you guys back on track and moving forward again.