– Reconnecting at the End of the Day with Your Spouse

LEARNING HOW TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR SPOUSE THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

It can sound like pithy advice for a marriage therapist to encourage couples to talk with each other about their day.  Most people intuitively know to do this, besides the reality that we are taught this principle throughout our lives.   But quality marriage counseling in Nashville TN will do more than just simply recommend couples to do employ this technique.  The reality is that most couples already do this every day.  The real issue, and the true value of marriage counseling, comes through helping marital partners learn more effective and connective methods for accomplishing this mundane task.  In a seminal work by Dr. John Gottman entitled “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman dictates empirical evidence for this reality.  He writes, “Learning to [reconnect at the end of the day] is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health, according to research by my colleague Neil Jacobson, Ph.D., of the University of Washington.  He has found that one of the key variables in relapse after his own approach to marital therapy is whether the stress from other areas of your lives spills over into your relationship.  Couples who are overrun by this stress see their marriages relapse, while those who can help each other cope with it keep this marriages strong.” (p. 87)

Sometimes marriage counseling can be more about tweaking age-old adages, rather than reinventing the wheel.  Dr. Gottman goes on to say, “Many couples automatically have this sort of calming-down conversation, perhaps at the dinner table or after the kids fall asleep.  But too often this discussion does not have the desired effect—it increases your stress levels because you end up feeling frustrated with your spouse for not listening to you, whether you’re the one venting or the one who’s offering advice.  If that’s the case, you need to change your approach to these catch-up conversations to make sure they help you calm down.  For starters, think about the timing of the chat.  Some people want to unburden themselves when they’re barely through the door.  But others need to decompress on their own for a while before they’re ready to interact.  So wait until you both want to talk.” (p. 87)

This is such a key component to marriage counseling in Nashville TN.  Nashvillians, and southerners in general, are so committed to being nice, that they will suffer through courtesies in order make the other person feel better.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this belief—until it creates resentment and bitterness within the person attempting to be nice.  The final point Dr. Gottman makes is that we will only truly be effective in helping our marital partner calm down, if we are aware of our desire to be ready to listen.

Marriage therapy can be a helpful place to allow each partner to discuss their limitations and frustrations with the current way the couple is attempting to listen to their spouse.  Then, both partners can discuss the times when they are actually in a healthy place to listen to their partner’s day.  The other key component to listening to each other and reconnecting at the end of a day, is to actively work on just talking about the difficulties of the day and not talking about the difficulties the couple is having with each other.  I am in no way advocating for couples to not discuss their frustrations and disappointments with each other.  I am talking about creating an agreement between the couple that when they are talking about their day, they will keep the conversation limited to their frustrations with other people and arenas, and not with each other.  This time then can become a safe place for each partner to join their spouse with empathy and understanding, rather than fearing a sneak attack on their relational short-comings.  Oftentimes, conversations go terribly wrong when one spouse is expecting a certain type of interaction and a different conversation is enacted.  The question becomes: Can both of you set aside your current frustrations with your spouse and actually listen to their individual disappointments (or pleasures) of the day.