– Relationship Counseling for When You Feel Hopeless

DEMON DIALOGUES: NOTHING BUT FREEZE AND FLEE

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many different stages a couple could be in when they decide to enter relationship counseling.  One of the most critical stages of a relationship is where Dr. Sue Johnson in her book, Hold Me Tight, says most of the conversations fall into the pattern of Freeze and Flee.  She describes these conversations as “polite, even cooperative around pragmatic issues, but unless something is done, the love relationship is over.” (p. 90)  She states, “The extreme distancing of Freeze and Flee is a response to the loss of connection and the sense of helplessness concerning how to restore it.” (p. 90)  In previous articles, we talked about unhealthy patterns of conversations like the Find the Bad Guy and the Protest Polka.  The distinct difference between those two and the Freeze and Flee, is that the other two at least had arguing and fighting going for them.  There is connection in dysfunction.  There can’t be connection if there is no emotional tone.  The Freeze and Flee is characterized by emotionless interactions.

Dr. Johnson describes this stage more poignantly, “The real problem with the Freeze and Flee cycle is the hopelessness that colors it.  Both of these partners had decided that their difficulty lay in themselves, in their innate flaws.  The natural response to this is to hide, to conceal one’s unlovable self.  Remember that a key part of Bowlby’s attachment perspective is that we use the eyes of those we love to reflect back to us a sense of ourselves.  What other information could possibly be as relevant in our daily framing of who we are?  Those we love are our mirror.” (p. 92)

As with any negative pattern of relating, the first step is recognizing what is happening.  If a couple goes to relationship counseling, it means they haven’t given up all hope on their connection, even if they seem to be dead to each other.  If the therapist can help them see how they are distancing from each other, then there is hope they will see that their effort to disengage is their connection.  Any emotional effort between the two is a faint hope that all is not lost.  A turning of the head, a huff, or an eye rolling all indicate that there is still some connection between the two.  The extent to which either partner is willing to see their efforts at disconnection as hope of relationship between them will be the determining factor in whether the relationship can be salvaged.

Some couples enter relationship counseling in the Freeze and Flee stage under the guise of ending their relationship.  They believe they are coming to a therapist to help them “end better.”  Obviously, you don’t go to a relationship counselor with your partner to end your relationship.  If you really believe your relationship is over, you go to individual counseling, separately.  Sometimes a couple needs to believe their relationship is over, in order to see it in a new way.  In sense, they need to see their old relationship “die,” in order for a new one to birth.  The Freeze and Flee stage could also be characterized in that way.

Relationship counseling does not have to mean you are looking to save your relationship.  Relationship counseling can a place to talk about the death of your relationship.  Sometimes the compost of death is the most fertile ground for new life.

If you are suffering and looking for relationship counseling in Nashville, TN please feel free to give us a call at (615) 800-9260.  My name is Chris Roberts and I am a relationship counseling in Nashville.  We would be happy to work with you, or point you in the direction of someone else in the Nashville area, to help you feel more whole and happy in your relationship.