– The Difference Between Flooding and Stonewalling in Nashville Marriage Counseling

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FLOODING AND STONEWALLING IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

There is a stark difference between flooding and stonewalling when it comes to conflict in Nashville marriage counseling. However, for many people it is difficult to discern this difference. Both flooding and stonewalling can appear on the outside to be the same thing. In both cases, one partner seems to shut down, to pout, to walk away and not be engaging in the conflict at hand. It always, always, always drives the other partner crazy!

WHAT IS FLOODING IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

Flooding is chacterized by one partner feeling overwhelmed by the emotional escalation of the interaction. When a partner is flooded their brain isn’t functioning at an optimal level. When any person gets in a situation where their brain isn’t able to process information effectively, they go into a state called the “reptilian brain.” This brain state is a primal, elementary level functioning point where situations are seen in very basic terms. The limited options available in the brain state usually mean the person is operating on the level of survival. All the person can think about is “surviving the situation or encounter.” This brain state dictates that nuanced measures of interacting are thrown out the window and the flooded partner views any escalation of energy as a threat to the livliehood. Obviously, with this brain state functioning, very little helpful conversation can occur. The flooded partner is in a state of panic, and it’s virtually impossible to have a productive conversation in the midst of panic.

WHAT IS STONEWALLING IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

Stonewalling, on the other hand, is hardening and buffering of emotions whereby the stonewaller isn’t aware of their own rising emotions. There is a callousness that occurs within the stonewaller. As one partner becomes frustrated within the context of conflict, the stonewaller will become cold and hard and cavalier. Stonewalling is a process that occurs over many years of deadening our sensitivity to emotions whereby hope has almost completely evaporated. As one partner raises the intensity level of interaction the stonewaller will become less attached and less affected by their partner. Stonewalling is a far more dangerous place in the context of relationship because it is a learned behavior that purposely, albeit typically subconsciously, distances themselves from their attachment to their partner.

THE DANGER OF NOT KNOWING THE TWO IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Part of the benefit of Nashville marriage counseling is helping partners to be more aware of their contributions to the breakdown of the relationship. If one partner is simply flooded during the midst of conflict with their spouse, then this is a completely different situation then if a partner is stonewalling. However, the partner on the receiving end of either reaction may not genuinely be able to tell the difference. A Nashville marriage counselor can be so critical during this juncture, because it can help relieve tensions by simply acknowledging what is really going on. In either case, stonewalling or flooding, there is a lot of work that needs to be done to repair the relationship. But, flooding is such a different type of work than stonewalling.

When we come into marriage with another person, we are not trained at identifying these differing degrees of interaction. All we know is that it doesn’t feel good and we want it to stop! Sometimes, the pressure we put on our spouse to shift or change may not be the right type of pressure to actually produce change. It doesn’t, by any means, mean that we don’t care any less about our partner, or are more selfish in the process, it is sometimes just education that helps.

If you are in a marriage where you fear you or your spouse is stonewalling, then working with a Nashville marriage counselor may be extremely important. Nashville marriage counseling exists to provide couples with new language and new interpretations for dealing with the uncomfortability of relationship. Chris Roberts is a licensed Nashville marriage counselor with many years helping couples recover and restore their marriage. Chris would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your concerns.