– The Oversensitive Spouse

Last Updated on June 18, 2014 by Chris Roberts

HOW MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN CAN HELP OVERLY SENSITIVE SPOUSES FEEL MORE SECURE AND CONNECTED.

References “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Marriage counseling can be a place where partners learn to accept their own limitations in relationship and be more proactive in dealing with their partner’s limitations. Every person has their “sensitive” areas. These are places where we feel more vulnerable to frustration or ridicule when perhaps our spouse’s intentions were not as harmful as felt by the receiver. As men, we will always be more sensitive to feeling like we haven’t done a good enough job. As women, there is a stronger tendency to feel like we are too much, or too demanding. It’s easy to see how these normal tendencies lead to conflict. Women, in general, are more concerned with the relational stability they feel with every person they are contact with. Men, in general, are more concerned with progress and building something strong and stable. Even the way men and women view success is so much different.

However, there are oftentimes couples who enter my office for marriage counseling where one spouse is overly sensitive to certain areas that fall outside these norms. This means that when one spouse asks an innocuous question like, “Do you know where the keys are?” it can turn into an argument and a response of anger. In this case, the spouse being questioned about the keys can feel like it is their responsibility for the lost keys. The spouse being questioned thinks that the questioning spouse is insinuating guilt by just asking the question! The spouse being questioned believes, “The only reason they are asking me this question is because they believe I had something to do with the missing keys.” Of course, if anyone believed they are being questioned for something they have nothing to do with, they will usually become defensive and even attacking. This happens often with a spouse who feels super sensitive to feeling blamed for things. In a fantastic book by Dr. John Gottman called, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” he gives some advice for responding to situations like this with a sensitive spouse.

Dr. Gottman writes, “If your partner is highly sensitive: a) Take extra care to avoid criticism when stating your needs, b) If your partner responds defensively, avoid responding the same way, c) Respond to defensiveness by clarifying your statement of need.” (p. 30) This can seem like a tall task to the spouse who is simply asking a question without any intent to criticize or blame. The spouse asking the question can easily become offended that the receiving spouse took the question so personally. The reality is that the receiving spouse may be overly sensitive to any questions like this and needs help and support in learning they don’t need to take so much blame.   The asking spouse may not NEED to do this in other relationships, but in your marriage, it may be a necessity, at least for a short while.

Dr. Gottman also gives advice for the highly sensitive spouse. He writes, “If you’re the highly sensitive partner: a) Listen carefully to the words your partner is saying when stating a need or making a request. Your partner may not be as critical as you first think, b) Be aware of times that you automatically react by defending yourself. Can you think of a different reaction instead? c) See what happens when you take a deep breath and agree, d) Try asking your partner to tell you more about the need or complaint.” (p. 30) At the end of the day, it will be necessary for both partners to shift and adjust. The overly sensitive partner doesn’t get off the hook by simply being “overly sensitive.” Both partners must work at knowing and understanding each other better. This is the essence of relationship. It can’t just be one sided. The overly sensitive partner may always be more sensitive than the average person. These patterns were created in childhood and have become a core part of that person. But, they can work on realizing and remembering that they often take things more sensitively than necessary. Just knowing their limitations in relationship can help them be more willing to adjust their actions even though their feelings might be screaming that they have been offended!

Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN can be a great place for couples to work through issues like this and understand that they both have a part to play in creating a healthy marriage. Oftentimes, the overly sensitive partners believes there is nothing wrong with them, and the other spouse must be the one that changes. Just having an outside party state some general norms about typical behavior can help the overly sensitive person realize they have some work to do as well.

If you are looking for a marriage counselor in Nashville to help you understand yourself and your partner better, then Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling could be a great resource for you. Chris has experience with many couples dealing with this issue, and can also connect you with another marriage therapist in the area who may be a better fit for you and your marriage.