– The Roles We Play In Our Marriage

Last Updated on October 12, 2015 by Chris Roberts

HOW OUR ROLES AFFECT THE HEALTH OF OUR MARRIAGE THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Good marriage counseling in Nashville, TN should always be composed in some part of identifying patterns and roles of each partner. It may not come in the first or second session, but early on, a qualified marriage counselor should be naming the ways in which each partner has become stuck in certain ruts. These patterns oftentimes stem from stereotypical gender roles that are created from our society at large. Other patterns are formed from our original attachment patterns created before our psychological awareness due to the interactions with our primary caregivers. As humans, we all inevitably fall into patterns. It’s not a bad thing. It only becomes harmful when we repeat these patterns without any awareness of their origins, or even that these patterns have an origin.

In a fantastic book about healthy marriages by Dr. Sue Johnson called “Hold Me Tight,” she describes how some of these patterns work and where they originate from. She writes, “In our society, women tend to be the caretakers of relationships. They usually pick up on distance sooner than their lovers, and they are often more in touch with their attachment needs. So, their role in the dance is most often the pursuing, more blaming spouse. Men, on the other hand, have been taught to suppress emotional responses and needs, and also to be problem solvers, which sets them up in the withdrawn role.”(p. 83) Just this simple description from Dr. Johnson can be so transformative for couples, because it can help each partner see where the origins of their patterns come from. It doesn’t provide them an excuse. It provides them an enemy other than each other! A man withdraws not necessarily because his wife is overbearing and nagging. A woman pursues not necessarily because her husband is distant and emotionally suppressed. This would be more of their natural position regardless of their spouse’s actions!

Dr. Johnson goes on detail how this unfortunate pattern plays itself out in a marriage. She writes, “If I appeal to you for emotional connection and your respond intellectually to a problem, rather than directly to me, on an attachment level I will experience that as a “no response.” This is one of the reasons that the research on social support uniformly states that people want “indirect” support, that is, emotional confirmation and caring from their partners, rather than advice.”(p. 83) In most marriages, one of the spouses will reply “Duh!!” to this statement, while the other spouse is bewildered at the message. This is not so much about one spouse not caring, but more about the social system that created the automatic response mechanism created through years of practice. Dr. Johnson gives more words to what this means when she states, “Often men say that they do not know how to respond on an emotional level. But they do! They do it when they feel safe, most often with children. The tragedy here is that a man may be doing his best to answer his wife’s concerns by offering her advice and solutions, not understanding that what she is really seeking from him is emotional engagement. His engagement is the solution for her.”(p. 83) This, again, is such an important nuance to understand. Oftentimes, the response from one spouse is THEIR BEST ATTEMPT to help and connect with their spouse! Of course, when their best attempt does not help the situation, but makes it worse, it leads that spouse to withdraw and fall back, because they might feel dismissed or incompetent. If each spouse can understand and believe that their spouse is trying their best, then both can be more compassionate in their conversations about what they need and what they are trying to do to help.

If you and your partner are stuck in ruts that leave you feeling more separate or frustrated, then a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN may be helpful in getting you both back on the right track! Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville is an experienced marriage therapist who would be happy to work with your marriage and help you feel more of the love you are trying establish.

photo courtesy of Olia Gozha via Unsplash