– Two Categories of Marriage Conflict

Last Updated on April 28, 2014 by Chris Roberts

HOW MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN CAN HELP MAKE SENSE OF MARITAL FIGHTING

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Marriage is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Marriage is also contentious and foreboding. Marriage counseling is a place where both things can be brought into the light and understood for what they mean. Conflict is an evitable part of any relationship, much more so in the long-term relationship of marriage. As a marriage goes on for years and years, we begin to understand each other’s patterns and tendencies. If we aren’t tuned in to the repetitive patterns of our human nature and our marriage, we forget that things weren’t always so. In the beginning of our love for each other, we were curious about the other; we were excited about our similarities AND our differences. We didn’t judge our differences so harshly, and we didn’t take for granted our similarities.

Marriage counseling is a place to remember our past and our trajectories that have led us to this place. The most common place where couples get entrenched is in our patterns of conflict and fighting. We begin to predict and predetermine our spouse’s response, and thereby we reduce EVERY argument to “the same thing.” This is highly dangerous and very destructive. At its essence, this reduction begins to eradicate our sense of individuality and uniqueness.   One of the most helpful ways to mix up this stagnant cycle is to begin to put conflict into new and more helpful categories. In a phenomenal book about marriages by Dr. John Gottman called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he puts some helpful words to this issue. He writes, “Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from the mundane annoyances to all-wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customzie your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re having.” (p. 129)

This is an incredibly important distinction to make within your marriage relationship. Sometimes, depending on the degree to which partners are in conflict with each other, a marriage therapist may be a necessity to help get this process started. But, part of the beauty of this process, is that both partners have a new way of discussing conflict. Rather than each conflict being reduced to “the same thing, both partners can have a new discussion about which type of conflict they are having. Obviously, this can lead to more conflict! However, at least it is a new type of conflict!

The difference between these two categories of conflict is that one has the possibility of being resolved, while the other will never actually be about agreement and resolution. If the conflict can be resolved, then it can breathe fresh air on the subject and help both partners regain some new hope that a settlement can occur. If the category of conflict can never really be resolved, then both partners have to be willing to step back and take a different approach.

This is where marriage counseling might become the most effective. Every so often, we all need a new paradigm to discuss and consider old issues. The old saying is true, “You can’t keep doing the same thing and except different results.” This is also the definition of insanity!! (Which is how many couples feel when entering marriage counseling.) Most couples are dumbfounded at the possibility that a conflict cannot be resolved. The basic question usually surfaces: What is the point of conflict if it can’t be resolved? This question in itself is highly instructive as to what to do next. If neither partner has any experience in dealing with conflict in healthy ways that doesn’t lead to a resolution, then just giving a couple a few tricks to try will NEVER work. Why won’t it work? Because neither partner will truly believe this is possible.

Most couples enter marriage counseling with very poor experiences of working through conflict in healthy ways. Most partners were raised in homes where their own parents didn’t know how and weren’t very good at managing conflict. People in general deal with conflict in one of three ways: Flight, Fight, or Freeze.   None of these are particularly helpful in leading people to feel closer after and during an argument. If a marriage therapist were to ask each partner to come up with an alternative to fighting that didn’t fall into those three methods, most would have a blank stare on their face. This article won’t go in to the ways of working through conflict in alternative manners. This article is focusing on the possibilities of simply working to identify the two different categories that Dr. Gottman argues ALL conflict falls within.

If you and your spouse feel on the hamster wheel of conflict and arguing, then it may be quite helpful to reach out to a marriage therapist in Nashville, TN to begin the process of discovering new ways to talk about conflict. Marriage work is rarely easy, and yet it can be some of the most rewarding work you will ever do.  You and your marriage are worth it.