– Understanding Anxiety in Your Relationship

Last Updated on May 15, 2018 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING HOW ANXIETY AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

Relationship counselors know that people carry around within them a certain level of anxiety in everyday life.  Where ever there is an opportunity for something new or different to arise, there will be some level associated with that experience, because the outcome is not certain.  This is a good thing.  It is a part of being human and adds to the drama and excitement of life.  And there are many people who suffer from overexposed levels of anxiety, which is neither healthy or beneficial.

Relationship counseling can be a helpful place for partners to engage and understand how their personal levels of anxiety affect their satisfaction in their relationship.  Most people are quite unaware of how their own anxiety affects the quality of their relational enjoyment.  Part of the issue is knowing how anxiety alters the way that partners communicate.

In a great book by Dr. David Schnarch entitled, “Passionate Marriage,” he describes succinctly how anxiety disrupts a couples’ way enjoying each other.  Dr. Schnarch writes, “Poorly differentiated people have difficulty handling anxiety.  As a result, they deal with it through their relationships because emotional fusion can temporarily reduce anxiety and restore a sense of identity and purpose.  That’s why poorly differentiated people often dive into fusion when they are highly anxious.  Consequently, they become increasingly dependent on their relationship and their partner—or avoid emotional contact altogether.” (p. 115)

So if one or both partners in a relationship have situations where there is increased anxiety, they will turn to the other person to help soothe their anxiety.  The problem is that it works!  Dr. Schnarch states that “emotional fusion can temporarily reduce anxiety.”  This is great, except that it doesn’t facilitate the individual person from learning to cope with and manage their anxiety themselves.  This creates a vicious cycle, because one party will continually turn to the other partner to help reduce their anxiety.  Because the anxiety reduction is only temporary and is solely dependent on the other person’s availability and strength, the anxiety will return and the “need” for the other partner will increase.

In the beginning, this can be viewed as positive, because it creates connection and intimacy.  But as the relationship continues, the “need” for the other relational partner will create distress, tension, and frustration within the couple bond.  One partner will begin to resent simply being used as a means to calm the other person down.  The partner looking for comfort will begin to get angry, because they will notice their partner becoming more and more unavailable.  The cycle can only be broken by one or both parties learning that they need to utilize their own self-calming strategies when experiencing uncomfortable levels of anxiety.

It should be noted though, that this cycle that creates fusion and dependence is usually what created the intimacy and connection in the first place.  Basically, to change the cycle, the dyad must be willing to acknowledge that they BOTH contributed to the cycle, and both must be willing to work on new ways of dealing with stress and anxiety.

This is the difficult part of relationship counseling and relational work.  There are many relationship counselors in Nashville, and Two Trees Counseling Nashville would be happy to help you with your relationship, or refer you to another counselor in Nashville, Tennessee who may better meet your needs.  If you would like to speak to Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville, please give us a call at (615) 800-9260.