– Understanding Differentiation in your Marriage

Last Updated on October 27, 2015 by Chris Roberts

SOME BASIC DISTINCTIONS FOR UNDERSTANDING DIFFERENTIATION IN MARRIAGE

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

Becoming differentiated for the sake of creating a healthy and satisfying marriage is not an easy thing to do.  In a previous article about marriage therapy, we discussed how becoming differentiated takes a lifetime of committed, intentional effort.  There are a few other distinctions regarding differentiation (in addition to the ones described in this article about marriage counseling) that are helpful to grasp when attempting to add differentiation to your repertoire for having a thriving, life-giving marriage.  In the book, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch offers a few more distinctions for elucidating the concept of differentiation.

Differentiation doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions. (p. 68)

This component of differentiation is one of the more experiential parts of working out this concept.  Experiential basically means exercise and practice.  On the outside, differentiation can look like indifference, because one partner is learning that they do not have to get as wrapped up in the emotional escalation as their marriage partner.  On many levels, we allow ourselves to get as emotionally escalated as our marriage partner, because we believe it communicates that we empathize and we care.  However, whenever we get emotionally disrupted against our will, or when we feel like we don’t have any other choice, we can become angry and bitter.  We begin to believe that our marriage partner is “making” us feel upset, or emotionally charged.  To be differentiated means that even if our marriage partner is angry or upset or sad, we can choose which emotion we want to bring to the interaction, even if it is clear that our marriage partner wants us to feel one particular way.  Anytime someone is emotionally escalated in our presence, we are going to feel something.  Differentiation means that we don’t have to pretend to feel unaffected, and it also means that we can express whichever emotion seems best suited for the situation.

The self-determination of differentiation doesn’t imply selfishness. (p. 68)

Being differentiated doesn’t mean that you always put yourself first.  But it does mean that in any given situation you have the power to choose whether you put yourself first, or your marriage partner.  Differentiation means that you have the freewill to put your marriage partner’s agenda ahead of your own.  As a marriage couple is working out the complexities of differentiation, one partner may unwittingly react to the other partner by always saying their agenda is more important than their spouses.  This is not differentiation, because that marriage partner isn’t independently choosing to put their agenda first.  They are only putting their agenda first, because they feel pressured to put their marriage partner’s agenda ahead of theirs.  Whenever we feel we must do what someone else asks, or we must do the opposite, we are not acting out of a healthy, differentiated place.

Schnarch puts good words to describing the essence of differentiation:

“What I’m describing is called mutuality.  Differentiation is the key to mutuality; as a perspective, a mind-set, it offers a solution to the central struggle of any long-term relationship: going forward with your own self-development while being concerned with your partner’s happiness and well-being.” (p. 68)

In a future article, we will describe how our current level of differentiation is most likely influenced by our parent’s level of differentiation.  Mutuality concerns the willingness of one marriage partner to continue to work on their own levels of self-development and subsequent differentiation, while being attuned to and considerate of their spouse’s needs and emotional well-being.

If you are working through difficulties in your marriage or dating relationship, a marriage counselor can be helpful in creating effective strategies for getting the love you want.  If you live in the Nashville, TN area and are looking for a marriage therapist, please feel free to give us a call to discuss more about how we can be of help.