How Nashville Couples Counseling Can Solve the 2 Reasons Marriages Fail

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Masters of Arts in Counseling and Psychology.  Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider designation) Two Trees Counseling Nashville.  Relational Psychodynamic Therapy Certified Therapist Trainer and Consultant.

 

NASHVILLE THERAPIST PERSPECTIVE: THE FAILING OF A TRADITIONAL, HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE

There are many reasons why a marriage might fail.  In this article, I’m going to take a passage from a wonderful book by Robert Gould entitled, “Transformations,” and talk about a general theme I have found, and Robert validates, for why marriages fail.  Relationships are beautiful, wonderful, life-giving, and life-inspiring.  Yet, if you are reading this article, you probably also know all too well that relationships are difficult, complicated, tricky and painful.  Both are true.  But what I have also found is that most marriages and long-term relationships collapse because of hidden and unconscious factors happening between two people.  One of the most powerful and effectual parts of marriage counseling in Nashville, TN is learning how to appreciate the complexity not only of marriage, but also of each individual person.  If we can begin to consider the complexity and intricacy of each individual psyche, then we can start to untangle power-struggles and breakdowns that occur in marriage.

THE COMPLEXITY OF TWO INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE AND HOW THEIR FORCES COLLIDE AND COLLUDE

Dr. Gould writes,

“In these couples the men lost confidence as they saw the women gaining rapidly in self-confidence; it is the reverse of the disease of the traditional marriage, in which women lose confidence as their husbands gain it.

This erosion of our self-confidence is exactly what we men fear when we think about entering a marriage with a coequal.  We are afraid that our wives will become too strong for us and discard us as protectors. We are afraid that if we lose that masculine-role prop, our wives will become the towering figures looking over our lives that our mothers once were.

Women have a corresponding fear: that if they are too confident, strong and independent, they will be too much for us and thus will lose all claim to being deeply loved, protected and cared for in time of need. They are afraid we’ll become little boys and they’ll become obligatory mothers.

In order to protect themselves against the danger of being too much for their husbands, women sometimes surrender certain rights they shouldn’t. As husbands we conspire to accept these little retreats, but unconsciously we then push the deceptions to resolution by abusing them.” P. 124

THE GENERAL BREAKDOWN OCCURS IN 2 WAYS:

1. Men are fearful that we will return to small, powerless boys who were taken care of by their mothers. Because we hold on to such a sad idea of what it means to be “strong,” we have to garner our “strength” through our physical prowess.  Ultimately, it is our shame about our lack of confidence in ourselves, that leads us to “need” to be more powerful than women.
2. Women have a corresponding fear that if they become too “powerful” (solely in terms of confidence, competence, and self-sufficiency), men will slink away and pout and shut down (or, conversely, physically dominant them with their larger bodies or voices). So, women may artificially make themselves “smaller” so as not to offend the man, threaten his fragile ego, and disrupt the (unconsciously) agreed-upon equilibrium.

HOW CAN COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN HELP?

One of the most difficult tasks for any therapist in practice in Tennessee, or generally anywhere in the southeastern United States, is helping a man come to acknowledge and own his insecurity, fears, and doubts.  In the sense that every human being on the planet has insecurities, fears, and doubts.  But not only that, the man must also garner enough ego strength to not shut down or wilt away when he becomes aware of his limitations.  It’s borderline impossible.  I’m saying this both as a man and also as a therapist who has worked with hundreds of men in Nashville and throughout the south.

A woman, generally speaking of course, must come to own her strength and competence and self-assuredness without having to wield it around like a 30 pound sledge hammer.  Which is just as incredibly difficult to do, since she has probably been on the receiving end of mens’ wrath and vitriol her entire life.

In both cases, what is needed is vulnerability, but looks like the exact opposite from each person.  A man’s vulnerability comes through recognizing the essence of true strength and sturdiness by way of compassion, empathy, and understanding.  A woman’s vulnerability comes by way of stepping into her confidence and self-assuredness, even though the world has given her the opposite message her entire time on this earth.

5 WAYS TO CHANGE THE DYNAMICS OF A RELATIONSHIP:

1. A man (or the partner with the more masculine energy) recognizes and puts into practice that providing and protecting are NOT the only sources of love and care he can offer. Those are always the most visible and concrete forms of love that a man is taught by society and he latches on to as proof of his care.
2. A woman (or the partner with the more feminine energy) must find ways to lead that are outside the realm of domesticity.
3. Both partners can identify the areas where there are current power dynamics in place in their relationship that may not actually serve the health and growth of their marriage.
4. A man can move towards a woman by proactively owning and acknowledging his limitations and asking for help in the areas where he knows he isn’t proficient.
5. A woman move towards projects or ideas or a career that feels fulfilling to her, even though she may fear she will be disrupting the system, or letting down her implicitly agreed-upon role.

IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN NEED OF A TUNE-UP, OR FRESH PERSPECTIVE ON HOW TO BE ACTIVELY IN LOVE AGAIN?

Couples counseling in Nashville, Tennessee can be a great place to ask for help when your relationship feels stuck, or simply feels stale or boring.  Oftentimes, couples can experience distance and aloneness through working so hard to NOT disrupt the current system that was set in place years or decades ago. 

Chris Roberts has over 15 years working with couples in Nashville, TN and the middle Tennessee area with renewing and refreshing their relationship.  Chris is a licensed professional counselor and would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your current situation.  You can send Chris a direct email by clicking here and filling out this form.  Or, you can contact him at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net or (615) 800-9260.

 

Source: Transformations.  By Robert J. Gould.  Simon and Schuster.  New York, NY.  1978.