– Understanding Why We Get So Angry When We Get Hurt through Nashville Couples Counseling

Last Updated on April 16, 2020 by Chris Roberts

WHAT IS THE POINT OF GETTING ANGRY WHEN IT JUST CAUSES MORE CHAOS? A NASHVILLE COUPLES’ THERAPIST EXPLAINS

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

The first thing most of us do when we’ve been hurt by our partner is to get angry and lash back out at them. It feels good.  We (the hurt one) feel justified.  We don’t want to be patient and kind; we want to give them a dose of their own medicine.  But most of us have found, through endless trial and error, this way of doing things rarely brings about the change or understanding we hope to create.  And usually, in those moments, we aren’t thinking clearly, we are just reacting.  But that still leaves the question: Why do we do it?  And why do we keep doing it?

A THERAPIST’S PERSPECTIVE

In a phenomenal book about building trust with your partner by Mira Kirshenbaum entitled, “I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You,” she gives a clear answer to this question.  She writes, “[When we have been hurt] All we know how to do is act so angry and menacing that, we hope, the other person will be scared to hurt us again.”  And ultimately, that is the end goal!  We just simply want our partners to never do that thing again.  And without thinking (which is precisely how the “lizard” brain part of our thinking works), we act out a primal response pattern that has been encoded into us for eons.  Except that we don’t want to actually scare the other person away, we simply want them to be “scared” enough to not do it again.

IT USUALLY WORKS THOUGH…FOR A SHORT TIME

The problem with this way of relating is that is really does work…for a short time.  Most of the time, our partners do get the message and change their behavior immediately.  But, because it is driven out of fear and guilt, the change does not last. Kirshenbaum goes on to say, “But while this gives us the illusion of feeling safe, it damages the relationship and does nothing to promote trust.”  The enduring problem of responding with anger to feelings of hurt is that it does not produce trust in the relationship.

HOW DO I PROMOTE TRUST WHEN I AM THE ONE HURT?   

Of course, in a perfect relationship when I am hurt, my partner will immediately recognize it, run to my side, apologize for what has happened, and be completely open and willing to understand how this pain has impacted me.  But for those of us living in our current relationships, that almost never happens.  So, yes, even though we may be the ones who have been hurt, we also play some part in making sure the relationship gets back to a good place.  In the long run, if I am willing to calmly explain to my partner how I am hurt, I exponentially increase the chances that not only will my partner listen to me better in the moment, but they will be willing to make lasting changes on my behalf.

CAN NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING HELP?           

Yes, couples counseling in Nashville, TN can help!  A licensed therapist can help each of you get a better perspective for understanding your roles in conflicts and thereby increasing your chances of working through disputes with healthy outcomes.  If you are interested in talking more about scheduling an appointment or other questions, you can contact licensed professional counselor Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville at (615) 800-9260 or by email at chris@nashvillecounselor.net.