– Unpacking Emotion in Marriage Therapy

Last Updated on October 27, 2015 by Chris Roberts

ALLOWING EMOTION TO BE OUR GUIDE IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Emotions impact our lives all day, everyday.  None more so than for a couple sitting in Marriage Counseling in Nashville, TN in my office.  Marriage therapy is meant to bring out the best in people…and the worst.  Seriously.  It’s not marriage counseling if both sides of the coin aren’t being entertained.  But what if instead of slowing down emotion, or stopping emotion, or blaming emotion for a couple’s troubles, what if we instead USED emotion as the guiding light to illuminate the darkened cave that most married partners find themselves stuck in?

In a fantastic book about marriage counseling, called “Hold Me Tight.  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” Dr. Sue Johnson does that very thing.  She takes some age old principles of attachment and bonding, and applies those same theories to understanding why couples fight, and more importantly, why emotions get so heated and out of control in arguments between them.  Of course, any time a conflict amongst spouses gets so emotionally charged that neither one of them have the brain space to think and consider the other person’s comments, then the conversation needs to be tabled until they can both bring some sense of rationality to the situation.  I am not asserting that emotion is the actual element that is needed for a new and healthy marriage.  What I am stating though, is that underlying forces driving the emotion in the first place, could be the key to helping the couple find a new and more vibrant space to enjoy and love each other again.

Dr. Johnson tackles three key points about emotional connection as it relates to attachment and bonding in love.  We will only cover the first point in this article, because the first point is worthy of a lengthy discussion.  Dr. Johnson writes, “The powerful emotions that came up in my couples’ sessions were anything but irrational.  They made perfect sense.  Partners acted like they were fighting for their lives in therapy because they were doing just that.  Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection is coded by the human brain into a primal panic response…The drama of love is all about his hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience from the cradle to the grave.  Loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us.” (p. 47)

In marriage counseling, and in our daily lives, if we were to adopt the mantra that our emotions are NEVER irrational, and that somewhere they make perfect sense, most of our conversations and interactions with people would be incredibly more connective.  As soon as one spouse deems the other spouse’s cares or interests as “irrational,” a deep rift occurs between the two.  The rift becomes primarily about the abrupt change in the context of the conversation.  If the conversation starts out with one marriage partner talking about something important that has happened to them, that marriage partner is opening a context for understanding and connection by their spouse.  Whenever a person begins a dialogue with another human, the initiator has an intention to connect with them, whether they know it on a conscious level or not.  However, as soon as the other partner deems the initiator as “irrational,” the agenda and context of the conversation has COMPLETELY changed.

Marriage counseling is in part about helping couples slow down their anger and fighting, and helping them back up and find where the initial rift occurred.  It is at this point, this original rift, where most of the influx of emotion and energy steps in.  It may not be apparent for most couples as to the timing of when the rush of emotion occurred.  Most people are good at disguising their emotions and their energy.  That’s a good thing.  We all have learned some basic principles of interacting with other people, so that even if we get our feelings hurt or feel misunderstood, we don’t fly off the handle with emotion.

In marriage therapy, oftentimes couples have to learn to become more tuned into their physiological and emotional responses to their spouse.  As soon as one partner begins to feel hurt or misunderstood, if the conversation isn’t directed back to the original intent, or if they start to feel their emotions beginning to swell out of control, there is not much point in moving on.  The emotion that one or both partners feel now becomes the point of the conversation.  The emotion is triggering the partners that something is awry.  The issue with most couples is that they don’t want to slow down and address this “tip of the iceberg” emotion.  They want to plow through or ignore or, in most cases, become angry and argumentative.

Marriage counseling in Nashville, Tn at Two Trees Counseling is about helping couples become more adept at understanding their own emotional cues.  Marriage counseling is about empowering couples to believe that what they feel and think is not crazy or irrational, but that when they feel emotion there is something important being illuminated.

Beginning the process of marriage counseling in Nashville is never an easy task.  If you live in the Nashville, TN area and are wanting some help or tools to increase the joy and intimacy of your marriage, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call at (615) 800-9260. Chris Roberts is a marriage therapist in Nashville, TN and would love the opportunity to work with you!