– Using Attachment in Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on December 14, 2015 by Chris Roberts

HOW SECURITY OF ATTACHMENT DETERMINES OUR MARITAL HAPPINESS

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

There are a variety of purposes to marriage counseling.  Marriage counselors can work on the level of marriage coaching, marriage equipping, and marriage enhancement.  However, most people only enter marriage counseling when there are high levels of stress and conflict, and therefore are only looking for ways to salvage what seems to be the remnants of a once promising union.  In Dr.  Sue John son’s book, Hold Me Tight, she begins her work by outlining how relationships are created through attachment, and then theorizes that these same principles are in play in the demise of relationships, and more specifically: marriages.

Dr. Johnson uses Emotionally Focused Therapy to work with marriages in marriage counseling.  Emotionally Focused Therapy (or EFT) is based on the seminal work of John Bowlby, who is credited with espousing the fundamental concepts of attachment with children. The premise in Bowlby’s work basically states that the more secure a child feels in the their attachment with their parent, the more well-adjusted that child will be, and hence, the better relationship that child will have with their parents and with other care-givers in their life.  Dr. Johnson took that principle and applied it to marriages, saying that the more securely attached we feel with our marital partner, the better our marriage, and ultimately our life, will be.

Dr. Johnson takes a different approach to marriage counseling, because she believes our breakdown in emotional attachment to our spouse comes before the conflict and stress ultimately takeover and dominant our marriage.  She believes that once a marriage has reached this stage of constant conflict and stress, it is not the conflict that necessarily needs to be addressed, but instead, the underlying unmet needs and longings is what needs to be satisfied first.  Once a marriage is consumed by stress and conflict, she writes that these, “Dramatic exchanges between lovers evolve so fast and are so chaotic and heated that we don’t catch what’s actually happening and can’t see how we could react.” (p. 36)

It is not dysfunctional to address the conflict in marriage counseling, and to come up with practical ways to avoid and manage the stress.  But Dr. Johnson believes that these are just bandages to cover up the deeper issues that create distance and harm in a marriage.  She writes, “Bowlby gave us a general guide to when our attachment alarm goes off.  It happens, he said, when we feel suddenly uncertain or vulnerable in the world or when we perceive a negative shift in our sense of connection to a loved one, when we sense a threat or danger to the relationship.  The threats we sense can come from the outside world and from our own inner cosmos.  They can be true or imaginary.  It’s our perception that counts, not the reality.” (p. 36)

Because it is ultimately our perception of the intention of the marital partner that actually matters, if we aren’t dealing with the underlying feelings of abandonment  and vulnerability within our marriage, then the work in marriage counseling may not ever be truly effective.  For example, let’s say that a husband comes home after a full day at work and the first comment a wife makes towards her mate is, “Did you call the plumber today about fixing the toilet?”  If their marriage is secure and stable, the husband may casually remark, “No, I’m sorry honey.  I remember you asked me to do that this morning, and it slipped my mind.  I’ll give them a call once I get settled in this evening.”  This response by the husband communicates that the husband trusts his wife that she is taking care of her responsibilities on a daily basis, the husband trusts that the wife meant no disrespect by her comment, and the husband trusts that his wife will forgive him for forgetting to call the plumber during the day.

Most of us, however, can imagine a different response by the husband to this (perhaps neutral?) comment by his wife.  If you are married and reading this article, how could you anticipate a different, and emotionally destructive response?  Dr. Johnson writes, “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause.  It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas.  Indeed, the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it.  The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions.  The conflict comes later.” (p. 38)

Marriage counseling is usually limited to those marital partners who are in distress and conflict.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  If your marriage is in a rough season, or you simply want to work on becoming more securely attached to your partner, we at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to be of help to you.  If you have questions about marriage counseling, or counseling in general, please feel free to give us a call at (615) 800-9260.