– Using Differentiation in Marriage Counseling to Build a Satisfying Marriage

Last Updated on November 4, 2015 by Chris Roberts

SOME DISCUSSION ON DIFFERENTIATION AND ITS EFFECTS ON MARRIAGE

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

We have talked about differentiation in previous articles about marriage counseling and the hopeful and positive benefits of employing these principles in your marriage.  Differentiation can be one of those concepts that seems pretty easy to grasp.  It has some smaller parts that are counter-intuitive, but for the most part it makes logical and even emotional sense.  However, we want to devote more time to this core concept of marriage satisfaction simply for that reason: It can seem so logical that it can be easily misinterpreted, and worse, misused.

In a fantastic book on long-term marriage satisfaction called Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch outlines some basic components of understanding differentiation.

“People screaming, “I got to be me!” “Don’t fence me in!” and “I need space!” are not highly differentiated.  Just the opposite. (p. 67)

As marriage counseling begins, this is usually one of the first misinterpretations of differentiation.  When one or both marriage partners learns that it is okay (sometimes heard as “right”) to not become emotionally overwhelmed by the other spouse’s situations, that marriage partner can turn differentiation into a dogmatic stance of “Don’t upset my emotional equilibrium with your emotional turmoil.”  Why this is not differentiation is because the marriage partner who puts up the fence is basically communicating, “I’m not strong enough to be myself when you are upset.  So, you are not allowed to be upset around me.”  This stance doesn’t foster relationship and connection; it actually creates the opposite.  This stance communicates that when you are upset or emotionally charged I can’t be around you.  It basically says that you can’t be yourself around me, unless you are happy and content.  And so it creates more walls and distance.

“Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship.” (p. 67)

This is a simple sentence, but has a wealth of meaning.  It means that you are okay, you are fine, you are stable when your marriage partner is not around, or when you are single.  It still indicates you miss your marriage partner, and your loved ones.  It still means you can be sad and you can want to be with them and that you can even call and connect with them.  It just means that you don’t fall apart and become destabilized when your marriage partner is not around.

“The differentiated self is solid, but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you. “(p. 67)

These seem like mutually exclusive properties and is usually one of the more difficult concepts in marriage counseling to grasp. How can you be solid and permeable at the same time?  Schnarch helps outline this distinction by talking about how solidity of identity refers to your core beliefs and ethics, and how those don’t change.  But exactly because your core sense of self is solid and secure, you can bend and flex according to situations and emotions.  You don’t need another person’s acceptance, in order to determine your stability.  Because you are comfortable with yourself, when you are in the face of emotional escalation you are not worried about forgetting who you are or losing where you are.  In fact, you can even begin to become compassionate towards your emotionally charged marriage partner in the midst of conflict.  This is how you can remain close to your marriage partner even when it seems they are trying to change or disrupt you.  This is by no means easy work.  Schnarch states, “Realize, however, that this flexible sense of identity develops slowly, out of soul-searching deliberation—not by simply adapting to situations or the wishes of others.” (p. 68)

Marriage therapy can be a great resource for helping you get back on track to having the marriage you deserve.  Most of us were not modeled these ways of relating to our marriage partners or to anyone close to us.  We all have a desire to be close to those we love and cherish, and we all get sidetracked into ways of relating that are not the healthiest for both parties involved.  A trained marriage therapist can tease out the parts of your interaction with your marriage partner that are working, and those that aren’t.  At Two Trees Counseling Nashville, we love to work with marriages and couples.  We would love to work with you in this area, or point you in the direction of a marriage therapist in Nashville, tn that might better fit your needs.