– Using Marriage Counseling in Nashville TN to Help Us Normalize and Understand Our Partner’s Wounds

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

USING MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TO HELP US NORMALIZE AND UNDERSTAND OUR PARTNER’S WOUNDS

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

One of the best resources for marriage counseling in Nashville, TN is helping couples to understand that their particular situation is not the only one of its kind.

This is by no means an effort to diminish the pain or hurt that each partner might experience. Instead, knowing that you are not the only one suffering from a certain type of heartache can help calm the nerves and allow you to be more open to change. When things aren’t working well in a marriage, there will always need to be some type of change.

How We Hurt and Harm in Relationships

In a fantastic book by Dr. Sue Johnson called, “Hold Me Tight,” she offers some timely examples from couples she has worked with throughout the years.   These examples only serve to illustrate the vast array of ways in which we can unwittingly hurt and harm each other in relationships.

The first example from Dr. Johnson concerns sex, which is always a hot button for couples. She writes, “Steve feels a double whammy when his wife, Mary, says she would like to have sex more often. This could be taken as a very positive request. But for Steve, her declaration is a guided missile that demolishes his sexual confidence; his amygdala screams ‘incoming,’ and he hits the floor. Steve reacts to Mary by shutting down and shutting her out. ‘It’s like I am suddenly back in my first marriage, hearing that I am this big disappointment and getting real anxious about performing in general, but especially in bed.’ An echo from his childhood also inflames this raw spot. Steve was the smallest kid in his class, and his dad constantly asked him in front of his brothers, ‘Am I talking to Steve or Stephanie?’ That experience left him feeling that he was not “male enough for any woman.””(p. 100)

This is such a great example, and it really touches on our previous article about marriage counseling in Nashville TN, because Mary’s request for sex is not bad or wrong or intentionally harmful.   This is a raw spot for Steve and it hurts deeply. In order for Steve and Mary to ever move on, they need to both deal with the implications of these past wounds for Steve.

Dr. Johnson gives another example of being hurt by our spouse, but the raw spot comes from a current experience, and not our past. Dr. Johnson writes, “Jeff and Milly had a great relationship until Jeff’s best friend got promoted to the job that Jeff had worked so hard for and Jeff fell into a depression. Instead of offering comfort and reassurance, an anxious Milly hounded him to ‘just snap out of it.’ They had found their way through this crisis and back to being close, but the experience left Jeff hypersensitive to his wife’s reaction to any expressions of distress on his part. His sudden, seemingly irrational flashes of anger whenever he thinks Milly is unsupportive soon have her withdrawing into defensive silence and feeling like she is failing as a wife.”(p. 101)

This is another great example of our tender areas where Jeff is still reeling from the pain of being overlooked in his promotion attempts. Milly (understandably so) became anxious about their family and their finances when Jeff went into a depression and just wanted Jeff to get back on track. Milly was unaware of how much she was hurting Jeff by her anxiety, and by how much she was demoralizing him with her words. As above, both partners need to understand how they got into this place where they trigger each other so quickly.

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville TN to help with the distance and hurt you are experiencing in your marriage, then Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville can be of help. Chris is a licensed professional counselor with years of marriage counseling experience. Chris would love the opportunity to work with you and your partner, or connect you with a resource that could be most accommodating. Just knowing you are not the only one experiencing this type of disgruntled marriage can go a long way in helping you both get back to the love and connection you long for in your relationship!

photo courtesy of Blake Richard Verdoon via Unsplash