– Using Marriage Counseling to Understand our History

Last Updated on August 25, 2013 by Chris Roberts

OUR EXPECTATIONS OF NORMS AFFECT OUR MARRIAGE

References “Mix, Don’t Blend.” By Dr. Kenneth Potts and Tammy Potts.

Most couples enter marriage counseling with the focus on controlling and quelling some intense quarrels or fighting.  There is usually a specific incident or event that becomes the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, and the couple begins marriage counseling to help make the fighting and arguing go away.  And any good marriage counselor worth their salt will be able to help the couple better manage these difficult situations.

However, most marriage partners who stick with marriage counseling for more than 3 or 4 sessions begin to learn that any given stressful situation carries within it a history of undisclosed expectations and conversations.  In a wonderful book called, Mix, Don’t Blend.  A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children, by Dr. Kenneth Potts and Tammy Potts, they begin their book by talking about how our expectations of marriage can really impact our enjoyment of it.  In fact, they zoom way out and talk about how our societal norms of what a marriage should be deeply affect how much our specific struggles with our spouse can be due to our differing expectations of what a marriage look like.

Dr. Potts writes, “The families we read about in historical texts, novels, or other documents written before the Industrial Revolution were radically different in structure and function than what we want to see as normal for families today.  Family members prior to the Industrial Revolution brought very different expectations, needs, wants, and demands to their families than we do now.  And, it is safe to say, they were just as dogmatically sure that their ways of being family were “right” as some of us seem to be today.” (p. 5)

Especially in Nashville which is centered in the Bible belt, it can be easy to forget that the way that marriage is viewed today in 2013 hasn’t always been the same.  Or, that the way a person from the Northwest may view the structure and function of marriage may be very different from the way a person from the south may view it.  Neither person is inherently wrong in their belief of the structure of marriage, but if each person isn’t aware of the limitations or specificity of their belief, then there can be forced expectations that drive disagreements and arguments on a regular basis.

Marriage counseling can be an avenue for each marriage partner to uncover and articulate their personal expectations for marriage in a contained environment where a marriage counselor can help manage the conversation.  Our expectations for marriage usually stem from deeply held convictions that were formed when we were very little.  These convictions were based out of viewing our parent’s marriage, our religious beliefs, and our simple societal norms.  Sometimes they can be very hard to articulate in a clear and concise manner.  But for a couple to be willing to take the time to understand their own expectations and listen compassionately to their partner’s is exactly part of the process of marriage that can make it so wonderful.

A marriage is always a work in progress, and marriage counseling can be a helpful part of the journey.  For spouses to learn how their expectations of marriage contribute to some of their frustrations with each other can be an extremely beneficial method for quelling some of the tension.

If you are looking for a Nashville marriage counselor, or want to know more about how marriage counseling works, please feel free to give us a call at (615) 800-9260 and discuss more if we could be a fit for you and your marriage.