– Using Nashville Marriage Counseling to Help Us Understand Why Our Partners Hurt Us So Deeply

Last Updated on December 28, 2019 by Chris Roberts

USING NASHVILLE MARIAGE COUNSELING TO HELP US UNDERSTAND WHY OUR PARTNER HURTS US SO DEEPLY

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

When couples first come to Nashville marriage counseling, there is usually just this overwhelming feeling that things aren’t working and a deep-seated fear that there is no hope for their marriage.

There are many different events throughout a couple’s time together that contribute to this feeling that there may not a future for the two of them. There are huge fights. There are the differences in parenting styles and how each relate to money. There are different expectations for marriage and for how each should treat the other. There are the mundane areas of life where each partner feels misunderstood and dismissed. All of these and any of these can add up to marriage partners feeling there is no more love between them, that they might need to take a different path. This path can seem uncertain at first but sometimes we just run into a number, a number that at first might not seem important to us, but it could be the key that leads us into the right path. We can help you discover what it means.

Dealing with Raw Spots in Marriage Counseling

This article will focus on those specific issues or circumstances where one partner feels deeply hurt by the other even when there hasn’t been a major offense like an affair or a big lie. These are the events that Dr. Johnson calls our “raw spots.” Dr. Johnson describes raw spots as, “a hypersensitivity formed by moments in a person’s past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed, resulting in a person’s feeling what I call the ‘2 D’s’—emotionally deprived or deserted. The 2 Ds are universal potential raw spots for lovers.” (p. 99)

These raw spots are areas where the other partner may not be aware of how much it hurts when they are hit upon. They are not dramatic displays of neglect or harm. These are the areas where an individual person has a history with pain or hurt in this circumstance, and so anytime another person touches that area, it creates a lot of pain and discomfort.

It’s much like if a person has asthma. For most people, being asked to jog a mile in moderate weather is not that big of a deal. But for a person with asthma, this could be catastrophic. If a coach or friend didn’t know that person had asthma, then they could unwittingly cause severe damage by continually asking them to jog a mile. Further, without the knowledge of their asthma, they may continue to push the person to run the mile, because, again, that would normal to expect a healthy person to be able to jog a mile.

Examples are always so much easier with physical ailments! Yet, emotional ailments can hurt just as much, if not more. What makes emotional ailments more disconcerting is that sometimes the person suffering from them doesn’t even know it themselves. Just like if a person had not been officially diagnosed with asthma yet, they might think they should be able to jog a mile as well. So, they go along with the coach’s mentality to keep jogging, even though they know something isn’t right.

Dr. Johnson describes how these emotional wounds occur when she says, “These sensitivities frequently arise from wounding relationships with significant people in our past, especially parents, who give us our basic template for love relationships; siblings and other members of our families; and, of course, past and present lovers.”(p. 99) Dr. Johnson gives an example of what this can look like: “Francois, one of my clients, is highly sensitive to any hint that his wife, Nicole, might not desire him or may be developing an interest in another man. In his painful first marriage, his wife was openly unfaithful to him many times. Now, he goes into total blinding panic when Nicole smiles at his accomplished friend at a party or when she is not home when he expects her to be there.”(p. 100)

Delving into Raw Spots: How They Work

This example above is a great illustration of how our “raw spots” work. It is not wrong or bad, on a fundamental level, for Nicole to smile at Francois’s friend, or to come home later than expected every now and then. (Albeit, coming home late could be an issue of respect or healthy boundaries, but it does not directly mean that a person is having an affair.) But for Francois, this is a terribly painful raw spot because of his past history. Francois really does have reason to fear, from past experience, that a kind smile or unknown whereabouts means something fishy is going on. The problem is, of course, is that Nicole is NOT his past wife, and a kind smile is a courteous gesture in in all human interactions.

The answer here does not lie in Nicole never smiling at another man. The answer lies in both being able to recognize each other’s point of view and be honoring of their position. Francois will have to work on calming himself down when he sees Nicole smile at another man. Nicole will have to be patient with Francois’ panic as Francois works on choosing trust in Nicole versus fear of the past.

Marriage counseling can help couples understand why they get hurt and triggered so deeply by their spouse. We must first learn the origins of our hurt, if we are to be able to respond to them differently. If Francois and Nicole hadn’t talked about Francois’ past, Nicole would just label Francois as jealous and begin (rightfully so) to feel overwhelmed and exhausted at his panics.

Nashville marriage counseling can help couples slow down their automatic responses to their partner’s actions and unpack what might lie beneath the anger and panic. By allowing each partner to discuss in a more calm way why they are getting so upset, we can gain greater insight into how this may be a raw spot for them. Just by knowing there are raw spots, we can be a lot more compassionate to our partners.