– Using “Perception as Reality” in Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on May 6, 2013 by Chris Roberts

MARRIAGE SATISFACTION BASED ON PERCEPTION

References “Dyadic coping and marital satisfaction of older spouses in long-term marriage” GeroPsych, 2013, Vol. 26, No. 1, 39-47.”by Landis, Peter-Wright, Martin, and Bodenmann.

Marriage counseling can be a fun place to play with new ideas.  The quip that Perception is Reality is gaining more and more support these days as science joins with neuroscience in being able to physically see how the brain lights up the same with ideas as much as it does with tangible facts and experience.  Marriage counseling has been working in this field of perception for decades, while hard, scientific data is slowly, but surely getting on board!  In a recent study conducted that deals with the consequences of perception, the researchers concluded that the extent to which a marriage partner feels they are supported by their spouse is more important than how much they actually are supported.  The researchers state, “Our findings suggest that the partner’s subjective perception of their spouse’s supportive behavior was more strongly linked to their relationship satisfaction than to their self-reported support. Furthermore, individual support perception was more important for marital satisfaction than coping congruency.”

There are two important statements here, and marriage therapy focuses on both.  The first is that even if one marriage partner rates themselves as not being supportive of their spouse, that is not the key component to marital satisfaction.  It is the receiving spouses’ perception of being supported that is the most crucial.  This is a truth of all relationships that makes trying to love another person so difficult…but also so refining.  It means that the supporting spouse has little merit in the phrase, “But I have worked so hard in making you feel loved and supported.”  Part of the purpose of loving another person is to have the receiving person feel loved.  This study confirms that purpose.  If the person receiving the love and support does not feel as such, then the person giving the support has missed the mark.  The second important statement reveals that even if our methods of loving and working through conflict are similar to our spouse’s, it is not necessarily the method or actions of support that are the most important.

Although marriage counseling will give couples action steps and methods for loving and supporting each other better, the heart of marriage counseling will focus on the feelings and perceptions of our spouse’s support and care.  This study confirms that all the right behaviors and actions will ultimately fail in comparison to the subjective feeling of being supported and loved.  The study took the positive approach of asking older, healthy marriages what about their spouse made their marriage fulfilling and life-giving.  The conclusion that each spouse’s perception of positive support from their marriage partner made their relationship happy is helpful, but usually the opposite is true.  In fact, most marriages begin their deterioration when one or both spouse’s feel their partner is not being supportive.  Since perception becomes reality, even if one partner is working relentlessly to make the other spouse feel supported, if the receiving spouse isn’t open to seeing and acknowledging the support, the degree of satisfaction in the marriage will move in a negative direction.  This trend will continue to snowball in a negative direction, because the supporting spouse will grow resentful and bitter at their supportive efforts not being received.  Of course, as the supportive spouse removes their attempts at support because it seems useless, then perception will align with reality and no support will be given.

Marriage counseling can be a helpful avenue for at least slowing down this snowball, in an attempt to make both partner’s aware of how their perception of each other’s support is even more influential than their actual support.  If both or either partner is willing to take a step back and look at the mess as being created by both parties, then there is always the chance each will be able to see how their actions have contributed to the breakdown, and consequently how each have the opportunity to restore the relationship.  Just as much as the snowball of perception can lead to decline, it can also lead to renewal.  This article focused on the snowball of renewal and vibrancy, and there is no reason it can’t be just as true!