– What Does the Affair Partner Feel After an Affair: A Nashville Marriage Therapy Perspective

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

WHAT DOES THE AFFAIR PARTNER FEEL AFTER AN AFFAIR: A NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY PERSPECTIVE

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

The cliché is true: the grass is always greener on the other side. Depending on our perspective, we can make anything else seem better than where we are now. Ultimately it all comes down to a choice of focus and attention, but for many of us, we aren’t aware of the power of our choices in the moment. You can have a beautiful partner, healthy kids, making enough money to pay the bills, live in a safe neighborhood AND STILL primarily focus on all the things that your partner does to drive you crazy. Does your partner actually drive you crazy? Could you prove it in a court of law? Even the answer to this question is Yes! It all depends on perspective, focus, attention, and effort. In all of life, we can pretty much convince ourselves of anything we want to believe.

Nashville marriage therapy exists to help both partners when an affair has occurred. Some partners who commit affairs are aware of their internal feelings of revenge and anger at their hurt partners. Most are not aware of this. Most affair partners lost sight of the humanness of their partner and go out in the world looking to fulfill some need they didn’t even know they needing filling. In a brilliant book about affairs by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring entitled, “After the Affair,” she quotes some of her clients who have committed an affair. She writes, “Going back to my marriage feels like a prison sentence. But I can’t abandon my kids.”p.39) She also writes, “I wasn’t looking to fall in love with someone else but I did, madly. Now I can’t decide which relationship to give up.”(p.39) Finally, she quotes another client, “I know I strayed, but I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I never stopped loving you. Can’t we move on?”(p. 39)

NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY AS PERSPECTIVE

These three quotes help explain what is going on in the affair partner’s mind and what it is like for them once the affair has been discovered. One of the most damaging parts of an affair is that the affair partner loses sight of the vulnerability and dependence of the hurt partner. As the affair partner becomes swept up in a wonderful, romantic adventure, the thoughts of what their partner might be truly experiencing are left at the wayside. The affair partner becomes focused on what is so great about the new love and usually thinks about all the ways their marriage can’t live up to these new standards. The problem is: they are correct. A new flame always has more sparks than long, slow burning flame. If we only focus on the brilliant sparks, then of course we view our marriage as “lacking.” Part of the separation that occurs for the affair partner is that they begin thinking about their spouse in terms of the “relationship” rather than a person. Unknowingly, the affair partner begins to dehumanize their spouse and this makes it easier for them to break their promise of honesty.

Ultimately, the affair partner is not a bad person or an evil person. We all get swept up in our romantic ideas about life and love. Nashville marriage therapy can help both partners see that neither is a terrible person. In order for the marriage to stand a chance, the affair partner will need to trust again that honesty with their spouse is better than distance. They will need to take the leap that a new kind of intimacy and connection can occur through conversation and trust that outshines even the greatest love affair.

If you or your spouse has committed an affair and either doesn’t know what to do or wants to fix your marriage, then Nashville marriage therapy can help. Chris Roberts, LPC, is a licensed marriage therapist who has worked with many couples going through these similar type circumstances. Chris would love to talk with you more about your concerns