– What Happens When Our Partner Doesn’t Respect Our Time?

Last Updated on May 24, 2018 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING HOW TO RESPOND WHEN OUR PARTNER DOESN’T RESPECT OUR TIME THROUGH COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

In long-term relationships, we will always find that our partners do things that irritate us, annoy us, frustrate us, and even at times feel quite disrespectful to us. In this particular article, I want to focus on a consistent scenario I encounter with couples in my couples therapy.

The scenario is some version of this: One partner values time and being on-time and being timely. We will call this person Partner-T. The other partner has a more loose relationship with time and believes that the effort should be rewarded, no matter the digits on the clock. We will call this person Partner-R.

In situations like this, Partner-T is going to feel disrespected A LOT! So much of being on time for Partner-T is about respecting their own time and other people’s time and paying respect to a sense of order and structure. It is so difficult for Partner-T to see Partner-R’s “lateness” as anything, but disrespect, or laziness, or incompetence. Unfortunately, as I will discuss later, Partner-R doesn’t conceive of being late as disrespect, and so has a difficult time understanding what is so upsetting to Partner-T.

HOW COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE CAN HELP

When a couple enters my office and begins discussing an issue such as this, I know I have my work cut out for me. The most basic frustration about a topic like this is that I know each partner has their own perspective about the issue, and how terribly difficult it is to see it from the other person’s side. Although being late seems to be an obvious issue with obvious consequences, the partner who moves more in this realm does not and, in many ways, cannot see the “obvious” problems it creates. Therefore, the more Partner-T chides and scolds and lectures Partner-R about the “problem,” the more Partner-R shuts down and checks out and distances themselves from the issue. Partner-R is not actually being defensive and passive, they simply don’t understand why another person would ever be upset by being a few minutes behind schedule.

THE WORK OF NASHVILLE COUPLE’S THERAPY

In order for this conflict to shift into a space where growth and change might occur, one partner will have to put their own “reasoning” to the side for a moment and imagine the good reasons their partner feels the way they do. Partner-T feels disrespected for good reasons and is not simply controlling or a task-master. Partner-R is not as bound to time for good reasons and is not simply disrespectful or selfish. If each partner is willing to go behind the scenes and appreciate what is driving their partner’s feelings, then there can be a loosening regarding how tightly they are each holding their position. At the end of the day, Partner-R is always going to be “later” than Partner-T, because it is encoded in Partner-R’s DNA that time doesn’t hold the same significance as it does to Partner-T.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

If you have thought about couples therapy and are wanting to give it a try, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to speak with you more about any questions you might have about counseling. Chris has many years working with couples through issues like these and others. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or emailed: chris@nashvillecounselor.net.