– What If I’m the Uptight Partner in My Relationship?

Last Updated on May 23, 2018 by Chris Roberts

WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE THE UPTIGHT PARTNER IN A RELATIONSHIP- A NASHVILLE COUPLE’S THERAPIST PERSPECTIVE.

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

Because a coupledom consists of (at least) 2 people, there inherently exists a model of comparison. One person is “more like” this, and one person is “less like” this. In no way does it define or in any real way describe accurate personality traits of an individual person. But, in couples, because there are 2 people, there are typically differences in how much one person prefers “this thing,” or how often the other person does “that thing.” In this article, we will be discussing what it’s like to be the person in the relationship that is more “uptight.”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “UPTIGHT?”

Well, if you are reading this article, you probably clicked on the link, because you have some association with the term “uptight.” In most instances, it has probably been used in a derogatory sense. Here is some of what I mean by “uptight:” you feel stress more acutely than your partner, you are the first to notice when things are out of place or order, your day is more structured or planned than your partner, or, it is more difficult for you to relax than your partner. As described above, there may be nothing wrong or excessive in any of these behaviors. You just simply exhibit them more or sooner than your partner.

HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

It’s so easy to demonize or over-characterize our partners in situations like this. As the more “uptight” partner, you can unwittingly label your partner as lazy, or selfish, or slow, or even dumb. Conversely, your partner may inadvertently label you as intense, or controlling, or no fun, or parental. These labels happen so quickly and accidentally that we may be fooled into believing that are actually true. Especially when we are in conflict, or if we feel overwhelmed in other aspects of our life, we may default into these derogatory labels of our partners. Once we start to fundamentally believe these labels are true, we will sub-consciously look for proof that we are right. This is where the real break-down starts to happen. Of course our partner is different from us, and of course they relate to the world in ways that seem foreign to our natural way of doing things. The break-down in our relationship happens when we forget that our labels have more to do with comparisons than actual issues. Just because someone needs to have their day more planned out than us does not inherently mean anything. There is nothing fundamentally better or worse, good or bad, about having a structured plan for our day. Having no plan, or having every minute planned out, has no inherent value of good or bad. This, however, is where we start to judge or evaluate our partners natural inclinations as good or bad, better or worse. No matter which way we deem their actions fall, the act of giving their preferences value is what starts to create rifts and distance in our relationship.

COUPLES THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

A couples therapist in Nashville could be helpful for both partners to get some elevation on the situation and see it from a different perspective. Especially if you’ve noticed that you or your partner have become entrenched in one of these labels about the other partner (or yourself). A good couples therapist can provide insight into how you got to your current predicament and help you both move forward. Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling is a resource for direct help with therapy or pointing you in a helpful direcetion.