– What is Avoidant Attachment through Counseling in Nashville, TN?

Last Updated on September 11, 2024 by Chris Roberts

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Masters of Arts in Counseling and Psychology.  Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider designation) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

ATTACHMENT STYLES IN NASHVILLE COUPLES AND INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

If you read my previous post about attachment styles, then you got a short glimpse into the world of the attachment lens according to psychology and psychotherapy.  Attachment theory is not the end-all, be-all of counseling, or relationships, or the experience of being human.  It is one of many theories about how human beings live, flourish, relate, and attempt to navigate this life.  Attachment styles have come into vogue recently, and I think that is a wonderful thing.  Not necessarily because it is the best theory that represents humanity, but simply because it signals that people are interested in their inner-workings, and how those inner-workings effect one of the most important parts of being human- our relationships.

THE AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE IN PSYCHOTHERAPY IN TENNESSEE

The avoidant attachment style, in my theorizing, represents half of the population of human beings on this planet.  That is not a formal, researached statistic.  It is my statistical average for how, philosophically, I believe things like this play themselves out.  For sake of argument, let’s just say half the human population is avoidant. 

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE AVOIDANT?

As I suggested in my previous post, this is such a misleading description and name for this style.  The idea of “avoiding” can insinuate this group of people runs from conflict.  Or, they aren’t bothered by the intimate connections with and amongst other people.  It can also make them seem dismissing.  It can give them an air of indifference, or arrogance, or even worse- strength.  Especially in the American male-ego idea of self reliance and independence. 

To be clear: The avoidant wants, and longs for, and feels the same level of relational intensity that the anxious attachment style person experiences.  Due to the developments in brain science and our ability to hook up sensors to the amount and location of brain activity, we can now see, physically, that avoidants “feel” the exact same levels of stress and intensity as their counterparts.  This is incredibly important to know. Because it means that avoidants don’t have a lack of relational capacity or receptivity.  It means that we aren’t trying to get to them feel more, or something else, than they already do.  The work is more about awareness than it is about giving them something, or needing to input something inside them that isn’t already there.  It also helps us understand that their movement away from relational, intimate intensity is hard-wired, protective, and serves a function that we must understand FIRST, before any change is capable of occurring. 

HOW DOES THE AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT BRAIN WORK?  A COUNSELING PERSPECTIVE.

In one of the first experiements performed to understand what might be going on relationally for kids, an environment was created called The Strange Situation.  What the researchers did was have a young child and their mother and a therapist all be in a room together.  All three would hang out for a few minutes.  There were games and toys for the youngster to play with. As the kid became comfortable enough in the room, the mother would let the child know that she would be stepping out of the room for alittle while, and leave the child with the therapist.  Who, for all intents and purposes, was a stranger at this point, having only met the child a few minutes prior.

What they found, for the avoidantly attached child, was that she would look, for just a second at the mother leaving the room.  Then, the child would casually turns its back to where the mother left the room and go play with some toys.  On the outside, the child appeared so unaffected and indifferent to the mother leaving.  After a few minutes of playing by themselves, the mother would walk back in the room.  As the mother walked back in the room, the child would quickly (and I emphasize quickly) look up at the mother entering the room, and then immediately go back to playing.

DO YOU HAVE A PARTNER OR A CHILD LIKE THIS?

What appeared on the outset as a healthy, independent, well-adjusted child, was very soon discovered to be a child full of anxiety and fear, but had learned, at some preverbal stage of development, to quash all of those feelings and move away from the mother AS IF they were feeling nothing.  It is actually quite heartbreaking to consider if you allow yourself.   This is a child in deep distress, sometimes even to the point of panic, but can’t even give the slightest hint or outreach that they need help, or attention, or care, or comfort.    Parents of avoidantly attached children unawarely and completely innocently are neglecting a core need of their child.  And yet, without this research and subsequent discoveries, we all would have never known.

DOES THE UNAWARE CHILD/PARTNER KNOW THEY ARE FEELING DISTRESS?

Most likely not.  They’ve, unconsciously, trained themselves to completely miss their own signs of distress. This is where counseling can be so immensely beneficial.  A counselor can help identify the signs, the little tells, that shows that the child or partner IS FEELING something, but that only a person well-trained in this theory would  be able to spot.  When the mother re-enters the room after leaving the child with basically a stranger, it is NOT normal for a child to make no advances towards the mother.  A more healthily attached child (even if leaning towards the avoidant side) will at least smile at the returning mother.  Or, may come over and give the mom a hug, or at least look her in the eyes for a second, and then return to their play.

HOW DOES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN HELP?

Since we are talking about adult relationships, rather than parent to child relationships, a good therapist can start by introducing some basic concepts and language of attachment theory.  The therapist can point out how although the client may appear indifferent or unbothered, there is usually some subtle sign of actively avoiding a reunion with their partner.  Like, an active turning away, rather than not merely noticing.  That active turning away is the indicator that intimate energy is being exchanged, and felt, but that the avoidant partner is too overwhelmed by it’s energy, and therefore moves away from it.  It is NOT neutral.  It is intentional, although out of awareness.

INDIVIDUAL OR COUPLES COUNSELING IN TENNESSEE

If you are interested in learning more about your own attachment style, or you’ve noticed your relationship struggling and this concept of attachment theory catches your attention, then counseling could be a great place to start!  Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling would love the opportunity to talk with you more about interests.