– What is Marriage, Anyways?

Last Updated on October 27, 2015 by Chris Roberts

DISCUSSING A NEW VIEWPOINT OF MARRIAGE THROUGH MARRIAGE THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

Can marriage counseling in Nashville, TN help us gain a better understanding of the purpose of marriage, and ultimately, make our marriages better? It’s a simple question. It’s also a fundamental question. There are many theories and techniques for helping couples navigate the muddy and confusing landscape of marriage. There are models and skills and experiential exercises spouses can entertain to give them tools to better live with the one they profess to love. But, what if also, our underlying purpose in marriage needs some tweaking? Can just changing how we view marriage actually help us live more connected and enjoyable lives with our loved ones? I believe so.

In a fantastic book about creating healthy and happy marriages by Dr. David Schnarch called, “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” he succinctly describes what he believes to be the purpose of marriage. He writes, “When you’re oblivious to ways marriage can operate as a people-growing process, all you see are problems and pathology—the challenges of marriage will probably defeat you. Your pain will have no meaning except failure and disappointment; no richness, no soul. Spirituality is an attitude that reveals life’s meaning through everyday experience; however, don’t bother looking for sanctuary in your marriage. Seeking protection from its pains and pleasures misses its purpose: marriage prepares us to live and love on life’s terms.”(p. 47) Dr. Schnarch touches on many important themes in this compact statement. Can it be possible that marriage mainly exists to “operate as a people-growing process?” If this is true, how does it affect our traditional view of marriage as love and safety and happiness and goodness? These four categories are not exempt from the “people-growing process,” but they also do not encapsulate it. Dr. Schnarch also makes an incredibly radical statement by saying, “don’t bother looking for sanctuary in your marriage.” Again, if this is true, I believe it dramatically alters our traditional view of marriage and it’s purpose. Why does it dramatically change our purpose of marriage? Because it fundamentally means that our spouse’s main purpose is NOT to comfort us, or protect us, or shelter us from life’s hardships. It does not mean they can’t also do those things. It just means those things are NOT a spouse’s main purpose.

How often have you viewed your spouse as a place of sanctuary, shelter, and comfort? Have you stopped to think about the possibility that most often, that is the primary way you have viewed them? If so, you are not alone. In fact, I believe most people either consciously or subconsciously view their spouse’s this way. Our partner is SUPPOSED to be our sanctuary, our safe place to be ourselves and be accepted for whomever we are. I believe so many fights and arguments and disagreements stem from this belief. When things get difficult with our marriage partner we usually fall back into some belief that our marriage shouldn’t be difficult. Our relationship with our spouse should be the easiest, the most joyous, and the most comfortable. We believe our marriage should be this comfortable, because ultimately be believe our spouse should be our sanctuary. But what if marriage was never meant to do that? Would we have ever gotten married in the first place? Perhaps not J

Marriage counseling in Nashville can help both couples come to a more realistic expectation of the purpose of marriage. None of the ideas listed above are bad or wrong. They are quite lovely, in fact! It’s just those ideas were never meant to be the purpose of marriage. Our spouse, and the concept of marriage in general, was never meant to be primarily a place of comfort and safety. Dr. Schnarch gets closer to the true purpose of marriage when he states above, “marriage prepares us to live and love on life’s terms.” Do each of us have the heart to untangle all of our previously held versions of marriage and explore a more robust purpose that changes our partner’s role? Because if our partner’s role consists of more than safety and comfort, then we have a lot of reconfiguring to do regarding how we interact with them and what we expect from them.

Are you noticing that your old ideas of marriage and how your spouse should interact with you are no longer working? Are you willing to reconsider all the things you wanted and hoped for with your spouse?

If so, then marriage counseling in Nashville, TN may be an extremely helpful place for you and your spouse to learn new ways to live with and love each other. Marriage has always been about love. And most people desperately want to love their partner better and deeper. Sometimes, this can only be accomplished by deconstructing some old ideas and views about the concept of love itself.