– What it Feels Like to be Stonewalled

Last Updated on November 2, 2015 by Chris Roberts

HOW STONEWALLING FEELS TO THE OTHER SPOUSE IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

In marriage counseling circles, there is a common term used to describe a spouse who is shut down and quiet and refuses to engage in conflict. This type of person is referred to as: Stonewalling. It happens all the time. It’s all part of the human psyche. In our relationships, when we feel inadequate or frustrated, we either become more desperate or more distant. None of us can withstand that level of frustration or inadequacy for long periods of time. Typically, one spouse becomes more desperate and one spouse becomes more distant—or stonewalling. Spouses stonewall as a last resort to defend against their feelings of inadequacy. Instead of being open and vulnerable about their shortcomings, these spouses hide behind their apparent “carelessness” in an attempt to get the other spouse to “back off.” Obviously, the reverse usually occurs. The more one spouse stonewalls, the more desperate and nagging the other becomes.

Marriage counseling is a place where both partners can open up about their disappointments and frustrations and longings. Both the stonewaller and the pursuer want something and both are acting out in ways that probably won’t get them what they want. In her fantastic book about healthy marriages called “Hold Me tight,” Dr. Sue Johnson reveals some common statements made by those spouses who are being stonewalled. If you can relate to any of these feelings, you may be in the midst of a marriage where your partner is stonewalling against you.

• “I have a broken heart. I could weep forever. Sometimes I feel like I am dying in this relationship.”
• “These days they are always busy, somewhere else. Even when they are home, they are on the computer or watching TV. We seem to live on separate planets. I am shut out.”
• Sometimes I think I am lonelier in this relationship than I was when I lived by myself. It seemed easier to be by myself then living like this, together but separate.”
• “I needed him so much during that time, and he was just so distant. It was as if he didn’t care. My feelings didn’t matter to him. He just dismissed them.”
• “We are roommates. We never seem to be close anymore.”
• “I get mad, sure I do. She just doesn’t seem to care, so I smack her, sure I do. I’m just trying to get a response from her, any response.”
• “I am just not sure I matter to her. It’s like she doesn’t see me. I don’t know how to reach her.”
• “If I didn’t push and push we would never be close. It would never happen.”(p. 81)

These are both difficult to read and to write. As a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN, I see it all the time. The hope is that usually both partners want to make the marriage work, they have just lost drive and will power to push past these difficult cycles. This is where marriage counseling can be so effective. A good marriage counselor can get to the root of the longings of both partners, rather than getting lost in the patterns and pains of the stonewalling dance. Dr. Johnson describes further, “Examining these statements closely reveals a wealth of attachment themes: feeling unimportant to or not valued by a partner; experiencing separateness in terms of life and death; feeling excluded and alone; feeling abandoned at a time of need or being unable to depend on a partner; longing for emotional connection and feeling anger at a partner’s lack of responsiveness; experiencing the lover as a friend or roommate.”(p. 81)

These are such powerful themes to explore. If these themes have been unaddressed for a long period of time, it may take the steady hand of an experienced marriage counselor to unpack these longings in appropriate ways. These are core needs being scorned by their partner. Typically, the stonewaller has little to no idea they are hurting their spouse in this manner. Both spouses have to be open to the harm and pain that is being experienced.

There are many outstanding marriage counselors in Nashville, TN and Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling would love to be of assistance in connecting you with a helpful resource. Chris is an experienced marriage counselor in Nashville, TN and would be happy to talk with you concerning your needs