– What it Feels Like to be the Stonewaller

Last Updated on November 2, 2015 by Chris Roberts

HOW IT FEELS TO THE SPOUSE WHO IS DOING THE STONEWALLING THROUGH NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

An experienced and well trained marriage therapist in Nashville, Tennessee knows that in most cases every marriage is a two way street. This means that short of abuse both partners have some responsibility in the breakdown of a healthy marriage. Marriage counseling can be a great place for both partners to begin to learn the longings and defense mechanisms of each spouse. It is typically quite easy to blame the spouse that is stonewalling. It is easy to see how a spouse is stonewalling. The stonewaller is usually shut-down, distant, and emotionally withholding. Most stonewallers only communicate in defensive and underhanded tones. But viewing a marriage as a two-way street means that the stonewaller has feelings too. It also means that the stonewaller has reasons, albeit not helpful ones, for acting the way they do. If there is any hope for a marriage to rekindle their long-lost passion and love, the stonewaller needs a platform to discuss their point of view and express their longings and concerns.

In a fantastic book by Dr. Sue Johnson called, “Hold Me Tight,” she reveals some common statements made by stonewallers who have been holding tight to their position as stonewalling, even though it is obviously not helpful to encouraging an open and healthy marriage. Dr. Johnson lists many thoughts held by those who stonewall.

• “I can never get it right with him, so I just give up. It all seems hopeless.”
• “I feel numb. Don’t know how I feel. So I just freeze up and space out.”
• “I get that I am flawed somehow. I am a failure as a husband. Somehow that just paralyzes me.”
• “I shut down and wait for him to calm down. I try to keep everything calm, not rock the boat. That is my way of taking care of the relationship. Don’t rock the boat.”
• “I go into my shell where it’s safe. I go behind my wall. I try to shut the door on all her angry comments. I am the prisoner in the dock and she is the judge.”
• “I feel like nothing in this relationship. Inadequate. So I run to my computer, my job, or my hobbies. At work, I am somebody. I don’t think I am anything special to her at all.”
• “I don’t matter to him. I am way down on his list. I come somewhere after the kids, the house, and his family. Hell, even the dog comes before me! I just bring home the money. So I end up feeling somehow empty. You never know if the love will be there or not.”
• “I don’t feel that I need anyone the way she does. I am just not as needy. I was always taught that it’s weak to let yourself need someone like that, childish. So I try to handle things on my own. I just walk away.”
• “I don’t know what he is talking about. We are fine. This is what marriage is all about. You just become friends. I am not sure I know what he means by close, anyway.”
• “I try to solve the problem in concrete ways. Try to fix it. I deal with it in my head. It doesn’t work. She doesn’t want that. I don’t know what she wants.”(p. 81-82)

UNDERSTANDING STONEWALLING THROUGH NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

In marriage counseling, if the stonewaller is willing to talk about their side of the issue in these ways, the marriage has lots of hope! Just for a stonewaller to talk about their feelings and their disappointments is breaking their own cycle! It will be very difficult for the other spouse to keep quiet and listen during this process. Being on the receiveing end of stonewalling is so painful and frustrating, it doesn’t leave much room for empathy or compassion. But again, all marriages are two-way streets and both partners have contributed to the breakdown. For any real change to occur in the relationship, both partners have to be willing to accept and acknowledge their contribution. In the quotes listed above, the stonewaller is acknowledging their feelings and emotions. Many spouses on the receiving end of stonewalling begin to believe their spouse actually doesn’t have thoughts and feelings about them or the relationship. Dr. Johnson goes on to describe the attachment themes that are abounding in the statements above, “feeling hopeless and lacking the confidence to act; dealing with the negative feelings by shutting down and numbing out; assessing oneself a failure as a partner, as inadequate; feeling judged and unaccepted by the partner; trying to cope by denying problems in the relationship and attachment needs; doing anything to avoid the partner’s rage and disapproval; using rational problem solving as a way out of emotional interactions.”(p. 82)

HOW NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING HELPS

Throughout the marriage counseling process, the stonewaller must become more trustworthy and open to their spouse and their longings. Just listing their feelings and disappointments is not enough. A good marriage counselor will help the other spouse recognize the important and significance of these statements and actually ask the stonewaller to talk more about their experiences in the relationship. This, afterall, is what the pursuer is communicating they are wanting from their partner! The pursuer says they just want communication and feelings and responses. As the stonewaller becomes more in touch with their attachment needs and longings, they will need to risk talking about these feelings with their spouse. The stonewaller has built a life not trusting their spouse with these feelings, so it will be a major pattern breaker for the stonewaller to continue working on expressing their thoughts and emotions.

If you can relate to any of the thoughts and feelings listed above, you may have turned to stonewalling in an attempt to “keep the peace” in your marriage. Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN can be a helpful place to begin to change this pattern in your marriage. Please feel free to contact Nashville marriage therapist Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville to talk about your needs and how Chris or another Nashville marriage counselor can be of help. Your marriage is worth fighting for!