– When Forgiveness Isn’t Right- A Nashville Individual Counseling Perspective

Last Updated on September 16, 2015 by Chris Roberts

WHEN FORGIVENESS IS NOT A GOOD THING THROUGH NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

We are all taught that forgiveness is a good thing, the right thing, the best choice in any manner. If we don’t forgive, we are threatened, we will poison ourselves with all the ill-will we wish upon another. Yet, so often in my office, what I experience are people who have forgiven when forgiveness does not seem appropriate, or healthy.

CAN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY TEACH US NOT TO FORGIVE?

I wouldn’t go as far to say that we need to learn NOT to forgive, but I think most of us really need to reconsider what forgiveness means and explore the idea that forgiveness may not always be the right answer. Dr. Abrams Spring outlines three areas where people may offer forgiveness that won’t bring about the change and progress they are hoping to attain. She calls them “Assumptions that make you forgive too easily,” but I would call them a name other than “forgiveness.” Because, ultimately, it is not “forgiveness” if we are using this word to describe an action that is not really taking place. This is her list of 3 areas where we forgive too easily, or not really at all:

1. When we forgive because we believe that “Forgiveness is always good for you.”
2. When we forgive because “Forgiveness shows that you are a good person.”
3. When we forgive because “Forgiveness eliminates conflict and moves the relationship forward.”(p. 258)

HOW CAN FORGIVENESS BE BAD OR WRONG OR UNHEALTHY?

Forgiveness is a lifelong process of discovering the hurt and harm that was done to us, and finding ways to both let that pain go and incorporate it fully into our being. When we are harmed, the pain resides within us and will always be a part of us. It makes us who we are and who we will become. If we believe we can just “forgive” someone and be done with the history and the pain, we are more than likely burying the harm. We may be able to “forget” about the harm in our conscious brains, but this harm shapes and molds and forms us. It will always be a part of us, just like the joys and triumphs of life. Forgiveness can be bad when we assume that we have fully dealt with the pain of our past. Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, time itself doesn’t heal any wounds. Wounds, left unaddressed, just fester and rot over time.

WE DON’T HAVE TO FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY THROUGH NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

We need to learn to be patient with ourselves and with the process. Forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness takes new experiences where old wounds come to the surface and we realize that we have more forgiving to do. Forgiveness looks like being kind to your wife, even though your father was rarely kind to you. Forgiveness looks like NOT calling your mother back, even though you know she will flood you with waves of guilt. Forgiveness looks like listening to your child, even though you can’t remember a time being listened to when you were young. Forgiveness looks like separating from your spouse when they have physically harmed you, even though they are begging you to “forgive” them.

REACHING OUT TO NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do in life, partly because the process of it never ends. We must always be open to the possibility that past wounds are waiting in the wings. And when they surface, we need the guidance to realize that we can alter the future by engaging the present in different ways. If you are struggling with how to handle forgiveness, Nashville individual counseling may be helpful to you. Chris Roberts is a licensed professional counselor in Nashville, TN with experience helping people forgive in healthy and appropriate ways. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.