– When Someone Rebuffs Our Request for Sex- A Nashville Psychotherapy Perspective

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING OUR REACTIONS WHEN SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH US THROUGH INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

When we reach out to our partner, or a friend, or an acquaintance for sex and they say “no,” we have 3 possible responses.

ONE POSSIBLE RESPONSE

The first response is to realize they have their own body and their own mind and they don’t need to be on our timetable for sex. Even if it is a long-term partner, especially in a marriage, they do not need to always say yes even though we are in the mood. This is understandably the most helpful and self-regulating response. It means that we respect we have our own mind and emotions and self and they do as well. It can help calm us in the moment and strive to not take it personally when they so “no.” It is the ultimate expression of individuality and independence.

ANOTHER POSSIBLE RESPONSE

The second response available to us is to inquire about their denial. We can say, “I’m surprised to hear you say no, I thought you were in the mood. Can you tell me why you aren’t interested in having sex right now?” This opens up the dialogue for learning more about this person, especially during an intense moment where sexual desires aren’t in concert. Sometimes, however, the person who doesn’t want to have sex is also not interested in talking about sex or why they don’t want to have sex. We now have another stressful situation on our hands. We must resort back to option 1 in remembering that not only they don’t want to have sex, but they aren’t in the mood to talk about sex or the denial of sex. To the person wanting to have sex, this can easily feel like a second rejection. We may subconsciously think, “Well, if you aren’t going to have sex with me, the least you can do is explain to me why.” But, in reality, the other person is under no obligation to explain why they don’t want to have sex. It is their body and they aren’t in the mood or place to have sex. Nothing more is owed to the person asking for sex. Nothing. Period.

THE EVER-PRESENT RESPONSE

The third response is to feel the deep humiliation and embarrassment of not having our sexual desire met and acting out of that embarrassment. There is really no way of getting around some level of disappointment, or shame, or humiliation of having a sexual request rebuffed. That is completely human and in many ways cannot be escaped.

WHY DOES IT STING SO BADLY WHEN THEY SAY NO?

It is always vulnerable and fragile to reach out to another person and ask that they be a part of our sexual desire. Typically, sexual desire springs on us without overture or effort. We are literally caught up in a longing without our own permission or choice. Out of this involuntary emotion, we feel held captive to our own brain and body. We feel vulnerable, although we rarely acknowledge or admit it. We want someone else to feel compassion for this weakened state of ours. (Again, I am very aware most of us wouldn’t think of it in this way.) Out of this vulnerable place, we imagine that any reasonable person would help us out, aka-have sex with us. When they don’t have sex with us, when they say “no,” we feel abandoned, humiliated and exposed. Since none of us like having those feelings, we resort to anger (and sometimes violence) to help us feel strong and powerful (not weak) again. This is where and why all sorts of violence and harm happens around sex.

CAN INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY HELP?

Individual psychotherapy in Nashville can help, because it can provide a place for us to explore and expose all the rush of emotions that happens before, during, and after a request for sex is made. There is typically so much happening within the body when we are reaching out for sex, and it is imperative we understand the lava flowing beneath the surface when we are entering this type of situation. Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville has many years working with individuals in the area of sex. Chris can be reached at chris@nashvillecounselor.net or at (615) 800-9260