– Why Do All of My Relationships Become Boring?- An Nashville Individual Therapy Perspective

Last Updated on March 23, 2016 by Chris Roberts

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS BECOME BORING?

Reference: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Esther Perel. Harper Publishing. 2007.

Whether boring or riddled with conflict, most of us have experienced the feeling that our relationships can funnel into this abyss of stagnation or overstimulation. Almost as if it is inevitable. As we look around us, we may begin to believe that all relationships end up in one or the other camp outlined above. We may start to feel that love, in general, is doomed and hopeless.

Through Nashville individual therapy, a person can begin to unpack the specific nature of how their actions lead to stagnation, but also how this dilemma is part of the larger narrative of being human. In eloquent form, Esther Perel, in her fabulous book, “Mating In Captivity,” describes how love can so easily end up in this dire position. She writes, “You meet someone through a potent alchemy of attraction. It is a sweet reaction an it’s always a surprise. You’re filled with a sense of possibility, of hope, of being lifted out of the mundane and into a world of emotion and enthrallment. Love grabs you, and you feel powerful. You cherish the rush, and you want to hold on to the feeling. You’re also scared. The more you become attached, the more you have to lose. So you set out to make love more secure. You seek to fix it, to make it dependable. You make your first commitments, and happily give up a little bit of freedom in exchange for a little bit of stability. You create comfort through devices—habit, ritual, pet names—that bring some reassurance. But the excitement was bound to a certain measure of insecurity. Your high resulted from the uncertainty, and how, by seeking to harness it, you wind up draining the vitality of the relationship. You enjoy the comfort, but you complain that you feel constrained. You miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence. Marital boredom is born.”(p. 10)

CAN NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY FIX THIS ISSUE?

Before we can move to resolving the issue of boredom, we must first accept the premise that ultimately we want BOTH! We want spontaneity, and we want security.   What Ms. Perel so eloquently states is that those two forces are in conflict with each other. Until we understand these conflicting desires, we can’t get to the real issue. The real issue is that ultimately, there is NO RESOLUTION. These two desires can’t be squashed or mediated in a way that provides a consistent answer to the dilemma. The dilemma is life itself. If we continue to live in a fantastical world where the two can exist comfortably, then we will be forever frustrated by our lack of potency. We will forever be seeking the holy grail of marrying these two constructs in a way that provides relief from the tension.

ACCEPTANCE AND CREATIVITY IS THE KEY

Nashville individual therapy can help us learn to accept these two competing forces in our lives, and continue in the hope that creativity will be our ever evolving ally in staying connecting, but not becoming stagnant. This is hard work. And we are brilliant at fooling ourselves into believing we accept this premise, while still acting in ways that prove otherwise.

If you are interested in learning more about the ways that love has fallen flat in your life and how you can be different going forward, then Nashville individual therapy may be beneficial for you. Chris Roberts is a Nashville individual therapist with many years helping people find new ways to navigate the difficult terrain of love. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.