– Why Do We Have the Same Fight Over and Over With Our Partner?

Last Updated on May 24, 2018 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING WHY WE HAVE THE SAME ARGUMENTS THROUGH NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

One of the most frustrating aspects of being in a relationship is having the same fight with your partner over and over and over again. You are both smart, you are both loving, you both have the same desire to resolve the argument and move on with your lives. So, why in the world do you (do we all) continue to have the same fight about the same thing for weeks and months and even years? All of the terrible reasons we make-up about having this fight multiple times does nothing but make it worse, too. We imagine: is my partner really this stupid? Am I really this stupid? Are they the most stubborn person who has ever existed in the history of humanity? Am I just doing my thing where I always have to get in the last word? Could this lead to the end of our relationship? Sometimes I think I want to give up on the entire relationship, because we can’t resolve this one issue.

UNDERSTANDING THE CYCLE THROUGH NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING

One of the benefits of Nashville couples counseling is to allow a different voice to enter the conversation. One of the misnomers of counseling is that the counselor will help resolve the issue simply because they have an outside or fresh perspective. Sometimes this might be true, but this can never be the best or ultimate value of a counselor, because it creates a reliance on the counselor to “see” the thing the couple is unable to see. This would create a system where anytime a couple is stuck, they would need to reach out to a couples counselor to “logically” resolve the issue from a different/better vantage point.

The most important reason that couples get stuck in having the same disagreement is because they fall back into the same style of relating that got them stuck in the first place. Usually, when we fight, we enter a conflictual style of relating. This means that we are more “on guard,” or that we are looking to counter punch, or we get stuck in only wanting to be understood. Whenever we get into this style of relating, there is no argument in the world that can be resolved. And this is the actual problem.

THE BEST THING A COUPLES COUNSELOR IN NASHVILLE CAN DO…         

The most helpful thing a couples counselor can do is to teach each partner to identify when they have entered this style of relating. When either partner (it doesn’t need to be both) can recognize they are interacting from a conflictual stance, they can change the tone and course of the engagement by changing their style. Sometimes, of course, we are too wound up to change our style, but at least we can agree to stop fighting in this particular moment, because we realize that it won’t be effective.

USING NASHVILLE COUPLES THERAPY TO FIND THE CONNECTION WE WANT!

If you have noticed you and your partner are stuck in the same fight, try to ask yourselves if you are willing to change how you interact during the fight. If you still find that you can’t shift, or you find that you can’t determine your conflictual style, then a few sessions with a couples therapist might be extremely beneficial! Chris Roberts is a couple counselor in Nashville, TN who enjoys helping couples learn more about themselves and move into deeper connections with their partners. You can contact Chris Roberts at (615) 800-9260 or by email at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net