– Why Our Long-Term Partners Will Always Bring Out the Worst In Us Through Nashville Relationship Counseling

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

DOES IT MEAN WE ARE DOOMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN ME?

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

A common theme I hear in my relationship counseling sessions is that my partner brings out the worst in me. While this is an obviously torturous experience, not only is it common, I don’t believe it can be escaped. So, to answer the above question: Does it mean we are doomed because my partner brings out the worst in me? No, it does not mean you are doomed! Not even close to being doomed!

WHY DOES MY PARTNER BRING OUT THE WORST IN ME?

The simple answer to why our long-term partners bring out the worst in us is because they know us so well. Most people intuitively feel that the more a person knows about us and the closer we feel to them the less they should get on our nerves or push our buttons. Or, if they do push our buttons, it must be because they are intentionally trying to make us angry and upset.

The complicated answer conserves both of these intuitive thoughts, but it must take into account the level of attachment and therefore reliance that occurs in long-term relationships. The closer we get to someone and the more we begin to trust their continual care, the more fragile we feel in our own independence. The less confident we feel in our own independence the more we need them to be perfect in their care of us and connection to us. As our need for their perfection increases the odds of their care meeting our needs decreases. We then fall into this volatile struggle of wanting to have our needs met versus abandoning the relationship because they continually disappoint us.

THIS VOLATILITY IS THE ‘WORST’ IN US

The volatility we feel in wanting our needs met versus feeling disappointed is the crux of what creates abrasive reactions from us. We scream, we pout, we shut down, we call our partner names, we act in all sorts of juvenile and childish ways, because we are disappointed and we don’t want to face the reality of relationship. The reality of relationship is that AT BEST our partner successfully meets our needs 20% of the time. 20% is an incredibly low number when you realize that each time they don’t’ meet our needs, we feel disappointment and stress and hurt. It doesn’t have to be monumental hurt each time. But over time, enough of these small let-downs can make us all feel unwanted or unloved or unworthy.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

The first sobering reality is acknowledging that our partners are going to let us down remarkably more than they are going to get it right. Once we understand that our specific partner isn’t the problem, then we can stop blaming them for all the disappointment and pain we feel in relationship.

CAN NASHVILLE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING HELP?

Nashville relationship counseling can help each of you work through your particular expectations for relationships in general and with your specific partner. We all must have a better awareness for what each other is bringing to the table, so we can have a better road map for how to address their and our own needs. If you are interested in setting up a relationship counseling session in Nashville, Chris Roberts can be of help in finding a therapist to meet your needs. Chris has been working with couples for over a decade and can point you in a helpful direction, if working with Chris isn’t the best fit.