– Why We Can’t Have One Foot Out the Door in Our Marriage

3 REASONS WHY OUR MARRIAGE WILL FAIL IF WE ARE NOT FULLY COMMITTED- A NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY PERSPECTIVE.

Whenever relationships get tough, we all have a natural tendency to look for the exit door. It is a way of self-preservation. We all want to be the “first” to leave, because we believe it will hurt less if we aren’t surprised. We are all deeply terrified of the exposure of being fully committed. There are countless times where couples will come into my office looking (and paying) for help, but one or both partners will clearly state that they are no longer 100% committed to the relationship. They want the marriage to work, but they don’t want to expose themselves fully again. I’ve come to appreciate the ambivalence these individuals are feeling, but I also know that their marriage is practically doomed if they keep even a toe holding the exit door open. Here are a few reasons why:

1. We will spend more time looking for the negative things. It’s just human nature. We are all hard wired to preserve ourselves. When we are hurt by our partner (which we ALWAYS will be in marriage), we will begin keeping count and keeping record. Once we have started the conversation in our heads about leaving, we will inevitably move towards a pros and cons list. These lists are never helpful in a relationship. We are NEVER as objective as we think we are.
2. We will create some strategy for leaving. This is also called a “back-up plan.” It’s also called “planning for the future.” The inherent problems in these plans is that we start to create a map in the future that does not contain our spouse. Marriage is hard. All long term relationships are hard. We are forced to deal with the reality of our lives in ways nothing else on earth can do. We come face to face with our frailties and failures. We get to see reality in clearer and clearer ways, but those new realities may not line up with how we thought we viewed ourselves. A strategy for leaving ALWAYS provides the possibility for escaping the torture of the tension of being in this particular relationship.
3. We can start to wait on the other partner to “prove” themselves. At any point where we sit back, arms-crossed and wait on our partner to “hold up their end of the bargain,” we are creating a scenario that doesn’t involve risk and exposure on our part. In order for any relationship to work, we must both be willing to be vulnerable and exposed. Exposure opens up the possibility for intimacy and connection. Once this pipeline has been limited or diminished, intimacy is doomed and so is our marriage.

It’s never easy to jump back into a marriage where one or both partners feel deeply hurt or wounded. The reality is though, that if we don’t reengage fully, we will create the scenario we fear: The end of our marriage.

ASKING FOR HELP THROUGH NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY

Just reaching out to a marriage therapist for help is not enough, although that step is usually quite awkward and uncomfortable. Both spouses must be willing to consider how their lack of full commitment could be the final blow to the possibility of reconnection. Chris Roberts has many years helping couples more fully understand this reality and helping them get clear on what they want and what they are avoiding. Chris Roberts is a Nashville marriage therapist who would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your situation.