– Why We Lie: A Nashville Marriage Counseling Perspective

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

WHY WE LIE: A NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING PERSPECTIVE

There are many reasons why people lie, especially in their marriages. Oftentimes, however, the reasons aren’t as sinister as most people believe. Lying is a form of escape. Lying provides a quick exit to an unwise uncomfortable conversation. Lying provides closure and finality, at least in the short term.

In Nashville marriage counseling, I see lying happen all the time. Obviously, there are the cases where a spouse is lying about a tragically important event like an affair or stealing. But, most often the case, lying has more to do with little, everyday events where one spouse feels embarrassed and ashamed about a situation that has happened. Now, in no way am I advocating for deceit, or saying that it is healthy or justifiable. It’s more that we never get to the underlying reasons why a spouse is omitting the truth. Once we get caught in a lie, the person doing the lying just wants the discovery to go away, and we resort to all sorts of unhealthy means to make it disappear. Usually, this means that we lie more!

WHY NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING MATTERS

When we lie to our spouse, we are ultimately creating a disconnect and distance that we aren’t usually aware that we are creating. When we get hyperfocused on committing a lie or getting out of lie, the point is that we forget to think about our impact on our partner. The act of the misleading or the act of escaping the conversation as soon as possible forms a cocoon around the transgessor’s presence. When we lie, we want to pretend that we are living life alone and that our actions won’t upset or affect another. The lie communicates that we are in control of our world and that our actions can’t/won’t harm another individual. This act, this premise, is why lying is repetitive and why it is ultimately harmful.

Nashville marriage counseling helps couples to re-identify and remember that we are not alone in this world. Because we have made a conscious choice to be in relationship with another person, we have implicitly committed to expose ourselves to another human life. It’s a beautiful choice and a heavy burden. Our integrity rests on our ability to live up the promises we have made to others and ourselves.

With that being said, lying isn’t the real issue. Most people lie, because they feel stressed. When we are stressed, we are actively communicating a fear to the world that we aren’t enough and that what we have isn’t enough. We are scared to death to live a life of scarcity, but most of us act out of scarcity rather than abundance. A consistent life of abundance takes incredible trust, bravery, and courage. Most of us live with a dearth of those traits.

Lying to our spouse obviously creates distrust, but before that distrust is created, we made a concession somewhere along the way that who we are and what we have to offer isn’t enough. When addressing lying, most partners just want the other spouse to simply STOP LYING. Of course this makes sense, but unfortunately, neither get to deal with the underlying issues driving the behavior.

If you or your spouse notice a continued habit of lying, or omitting the truth, or deceiving through a bevy of language, then making an appointment for Nashville marriage counseling may be extremely helpful.   Chris Roberts is a Nashville marriage counselor who has worked with many couples stuck in the throes of consistent deceit. There is hope and there is help. Most liars don’t want to lie, but don’t know how to get past the urge and simplicity of lying. Having your partner in the room to express their own feelings and listen to your concerns can be highly effective in dissuading the harmful effects of lying.