– Why Women are More Equipped for Marriage than Men

Last Updated on April 11, 2014 by Chris Roberts

HOW NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN HELP COUPLES UNDERSTAND DIFFERENCES IN THEIR RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Marriage counseling is a phenomenal place for men and women to learn more about how they function as independent people and as a couple.  There are always differences in how a person shows up on their own, and how they show up in relationships.  This is a good thing!  It reminds us that we can never become fully enmeshed with another person or within a marriage.  However, it also highlights how different we are as individuals and how different we are as men and women.  Part of the beauty of marriage is bringing two very different people together to try and figure out this life in harmony.  It becomes that much more complicated when one of those people is a man and one of those people is a woman.

In a fantastic book about marriage by Dr. John Gottman called, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work,” he gives details as to why women are more experienced in dealing with relationships and the relational aspects of marriage.  He writes, “Usually women are more emotionally intelligent than their husbands for one simple reason: They’ve had an enormous head start in acquiring these skills.  Observe children at any playground, and you’ll see the head start in action.  When young boys play (usually run and chase games) their priority is the game itself—not their relationship with each other and their feelings.  But for little girls, feelings are paramount.”(p. 107)  He goes on write, “The plain truth is that “girlish” games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships.  As a general rule, boys don’t even include games with relationship and domestic themes in their repertoire.” (p. 107).  This is highly, highly pertinent information for any marriage, and especially any marriage under stress.  This by no means indicates that it is the responsibility of the woman to “domestic” the man, but it simply highlights that men haven’t had the same experience in acquiring the skills necessary to function well in healthy relationships.

MEN LACK EXPERIENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

The matter that men lack experience in relationships can never be underscored enough in marriage counseling.   Women will always be frustrated with a man’s lack of understanding of relational dynamics, unless they are willing to consider that most men are way behind in the education of emotional intelligence.  It’s not anyone’s fault, and it’s certainly not anyone’s sole responsibility to fix it.  The marriage will end in disaster if blame starts getting passed around.  However, it is vital to know what each partner is working with when they enter the marriage.  It’s about getting an accurate barometer of each person’s strengths and weaknesses.

HOW MARRIAGE THERAPY CAN HELP

A good marriage therapist can provide a safe, holding container for each partner to discuss their frustrations and limitations within the marriage.  When we are disappointed in our marriage, we most quickly turn to blame and finger pointing.  A good marriage therapist in Nashville can allow both parties to air their grievances, and then provide a healthy perspective for what each other is trying to say and also give some education as to how they have both contributed to the current breakdown.  If you have noticed a downward turn in the enjoyment of your marriage, then meeting with a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN could be extremely helpful in getting your marriage back on track.  Chris Roberts is a Nashville marriage therapist and would love the opportunity to work with you or help you find the care you need.