– Working on Resolvable Problems in Your Marriage

Last Updated on May 24, 2014 by Chris Roberts

FINDING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RESOLVABLE AND PERPETUAL PROBLEMS WITH MARRIAGE THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Marriage counseling is never an easy place for couples. Most partners enter marriage counseling with a little bit of hope and a lot of frustration. In previous articles about marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, we have discussed that most arguments between spouses fall into two categories: resolvable or perpetual. The perpetual conflicts account for almost ¾ of every conflict a couple enters. This is sobering news. But, it is also real life. A silver lining is understanding that most arguments can’t be effectively resolved, and therefore finding a new way of dealing with conflict is the only way to manage it. This usually results in some relief of tension between the couple. There is hope, because there is a new way of addressing the tension and conflict. We discussed in the previous article how to address perpetual conflict. In this article, we will discuss how to identify the difference between the two and how to deal effectively with resolvable conflict.

Good marriage counselors are always looking for ways to manage stress between couples without ignoring some underlying issues that might need to be addressed for the marriage to be healthy in the long run. A good tool for spouses to learn is how to identify if a conflict is resolvable or perpetual. (of course, this can lead to a fight as well.) Realistically, any topic of conflict can be perpetual or resolvable. For example, let’s say Rachel likes to spend money and time working in the yard at their house, but Fred would rather spend money and time playing at the lake. (This general scenario is quite common.) If this conflict were perpetual, the fighting would go something like this: Fred says to Rachel, “Working in the yard is so boring. You are always boring and never want to go out and do fun things with friends. You just want to stay at home.” Rachel might respond, “Fred, you really don’t like being with me or doing things I like, do you?   I always have to beg you to do things that are fun for me and you are always make me feel stupid.” As each partner takes the specific situation and draws on other quarrels and disagreements, it is easy to see that there is WAY more here than just working in the yard. Fred is making the blanket statement that Rachel is boring in all areas of life, and Rachel fears that Fred doesn’t enjoy her presence. These probably indicate some deeper level, core beliefs and fears that can’t be resolved in a few, strategic conversations.

However, this same situation could be argued in a different manner. If this were a resolvable conflict, Fred might say, “Rachel, I thought we had talked about going to the lake today instead of working in the yard. We worked in the yard all last weekend and I really wanted to go to the lake today. I’m feeling really frustrated that you don’t want to go to the lake today.” Rachel then might respond, “But we’ve gone to the lake for 6 straight weekends besides last weekend and I just wanted to finish up what we started last weekend. I don’t remember agreeing to go to the lake today. I assumed you’d be willing to work in the yard today, because we’d been to the lake so much.” The most notable part of this argument is that both partners are keeping the fight to logistics and the specific situation. Neither one is making “always” statements and neither are drawing this specific fight into generalities about their personality or character. Fred is honest about his frustrations with Rachel. Rachel states her reason why she “assumed” they would work in the yard today. At this point, the argument is resolvable, because both partners want something and neither has shut down the conversation with aggressive and demeaning language. Dr. Gottman states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.” (p. 134)

Marriage counseling can be a great forum to help couples identify which of their fights are solvable and which are perpetual. In the solvable problem listed above, the key issue would be the ability for both partners to sit down and discuss what they were hoping the weekend would look like. Once they each get their say, the other partner would repeat back to them what they thought they heard the other say. This is key, because it creates the opportunity to be heard and known by your spouse. Once both partners have spoken, each can offer up a possible solution that takes into account both spouse’s wishes. In this case, it may mean spending this weekend in the yard (because both can see that they have spent more time at the lake so far), and then next weekend at the lake. It could also mean spending today in the yard and tomorrow at the lake. There could be discussions about the weather and which day would be “best” to do which activity. There could be conversations about better ways for each partner to make their wishes known to the other, so they aren’t working off unstated assumptions. There are so many options, but the key is that both people are committed to addressing the specific situation and not making this example part of a larger issue between them.

If you have been thinking about marriage counseling because the conflicts within your marriage are seeming to be overwhelming, then I encourage you to reach out to a marriage counselor in the Nashville area. Marriage counseling can be a safe place to work out your differences and better understand why you are fighting and what type of fight you are having!