Returning to Ourselves. Giving Ourselves a Chance at Love with Individual Therapy.

Love After Love

by: Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

• D.W.

Article below by: By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Masters of Arts in Counseling and Psychology.  Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider designation) Two Trees Counseling Nashville.  Relational Psychodynamic Therapy Certified Therapist Trainer and Consultant.

DOES NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY HELP US RETURN TO OURSELVES?

In my previous article on Learning How to Love, I talked about the 5 things we can do to actively work on creating love in our lives. I thought this poem an appropriate second course on love. It’s a friendly poem. A turn towards the self with warmth and welcoming. Something, I imagine none of us do well or often, including myself. The poem makes this reunification with ourselves seem so pleasant and cordial and pleasing. Almost like welcoming an old friend you haven’t seen in ages. A friend who slipped away without strife or hardship or suffering.

But, that is never the case with ourselves, nor is it really with an old friend. Although we may naturally drift apart from a good friend of ours, it is never simple, or easy, or without suffering. If you were close at all with your friend, one or both of you will notice the absence and grieve the loss, even if you don’t allow yourself to feel it.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO RETURN TO OURSELF?

One of the things a good counselor in Nashville, TN will do, eventually, is lead us back to one of our first betrayals in life: ourselves. When I say “one of our first,” I mean that it is not usually the first betrayal that happens to us. But, betraying ourselves becomes one of the first concrete, though typically unconscious, actions we take as an infant or small child to reconnect to a primary caregiver who has turned away from us. The turning away from us is usually, unless there are severe forms of abuse or neglect, so small and insignificant, it can almost seem unrecognizable. A toddler walks up to her mother having become a bit frightened and asks to be held. But her Mom is busy washing the dishes and tells her daughter, without looking at her, “Not now honey. I’m in the middle of something.” The daughter, surprised by her mother’s dismissiveness, but determined to connect, insists again and asks to be held. Now, mom is a bit firmer, with a tone of frustration and says, “Not now. I already told you I’m busy.”

WE TURN AWAY FROM OURSELVES IN ORDER TO CONNECT: LOSING OURSELVES AS A WAY TO BE LOVED

For most people, this form of losing ourselves will never go recognized or acknowledged. And, if we had good enough parents, there are enough moments of connection and appropriate responses from our parents that these times of being missed are over-shadowed with all the love that did hit the right spot. And so, we don’t need to turn away from ourselves consistently enough in order to be loved, and so we keep in touch with a wide range of our affect states.

IS INDIVIDUAL THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE IN ORDER TO LOVE?

Absolutely not! In fact, individual therapy in Nashville will more than likely be a waste of your time, unless you are experiencing something upsetting or disrupting enough to draw you to reading an article like this in first place. What I mean is that this article wouldn’t garner your attention or be of any interest to you, unless you have experienced enough pain or confusion in your life to lead you to wanting to understand your life better. For instance, you have felt disconnected from others in a strong enough manner that has led you to feeling lonely or isolated. Or, all the ways you have tried to love and connect with people haven’t produced the type of relationships you believe are possible. Or, no matter how hard you try to enjoy being with your Mom or with your siblings, you just find yourself frustrated, or annoyed, or distancing yourself from them.

IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT IF I DON’T FEEL LOVED OR ABLE TO LOVE?

One of the most difficult (and paradoxical) concepts to grasp during individual therapy is this: nothing is your fault, but you have responsibility in every choice you make. For example, does the 2 year old little girl in the story above who tries to connect with her mom because she’s scared really have a choice in the matter about how she reacts to her mother’s dismissal? Well, consciously, at the age of 2: no! But, will there be signs of how the little girl may have used the defensive mechanism of cutting off from her pain when she feels rejected? Yes! Would anyone ever say the little girl, who began to employ the defensive mechanism of dissociating from her pain, it was HER fault for using that defensive mechanism? Absolutely not! However, and this is a massive however: If the little girl, completely unconsciously, had NO agency in that decision to disconnect from part of herself, then she would always be a victim, and would therefore have no agency to change her current, adulthood, response to being dismissed or feeling rejected.

CAN NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY REALLY HELP WITH THIS?

The short answer is yes. But, it’s not easy or simple. A well-trained individual therapist in Nashville will be able to slowly, but kindly and directly, begin to point out the ways the little girl, in this example, was doing her best to protect herself, and ironically her mom as well, but cutting off from herself. It must be slow, and it must be kind, because turning to self-hatred when discovering not only our pain, but our self-betrayal becomes our next greatest, unconscious, defensive position.

TWO TREES COUNSELING NASHVILLE CAN HELP, OR FIND YOU THE HELP YOU NEED!

Chris Roberts is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Tennessee and has been practicing for over 16 years. Chris would love to speak with you more about your concerns and questions. If Chris doesn’t believe he would be a best fit for you, he will give you a list of referrals whom he trusts would better suit your needs. Chris can be reached directly at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net, or (615) 800-9260.